The Belle of NYC: A Sit Down with Demetria Lucas

Demetria Lucas, Essence magazine's Relationships Editor and woman behind the internet sensation "A Belle in Brooklyn," is the epitome of the New York woman. Recently seen on "Let's Talk About Pep," she attempted to show Sandy "Pepa" Denton the ropes of successful "man hunting" in the Big Apple.

With her presence on the show as a well educated, successful career woman looking for a companion, viewers fell in love with her warm and hip personality, FABULOUS fashion choices, and her ability to work the room like a professional without working up a sweat. Even Pepa was no match for this savvy New York transplant.

Dubbed "The Black Carrie Bradshaw," She's So New York got the opportunity to speak with Ms. Lucas about her love of blogging, the dating scene in New York, and the woman behind the pen:

Who is She: Demetria Lucas, age 30

What does she do: Relationships Editor for Essence magazine, writer behind " A Belle in Brooklyn" dating expert and speaker

Where is She From: Originally from Washington, D.C.

Her former goals: Business/Pre Law

What you would find in her bag: makeup bag, lots of other folks biz cards, receipts, nail polish, hair clips, rings, bangles, shoes, iPod, phone, glasses, a magazine, sunglasses, pens, and then the obvious.

(Check out her fave NYC staples below!)

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She's So New York: I read that you were formerly Pre-Law, but after an assignment in college on "Native Son," you decided to change your career path. How did you venture into writing about relationships?

Demetria Lucas: It was a subject I was always interested in. My senior thesis in high school were essays and short fiction about modern Black love. A year after I came to New York, I landed a job editing romance novels, later I moved on a book editor at Harlequin. I'd been freelancing as a journalist for about five years, covering music a lifestyle mostly, and I'd lost my passion for it. While I was at Harlequin, I wanted to write about dating and relationships since that's where my interest was. I tried to pitch a few places with ideas, but I didn't have the clips to back it up. I started a blog on MySpace to share my thoughts about dating and such. Six months later, Honeymag.com picked up the blog. It became pretty popular pretty quick. I wrote for Honey for 5 months before ESSENCE offered me a position as the Relationships Editor.

SSNY: Where did you get the idea for "A Belle In Brooklyn"? For some,blogging is cleansing and therapeutic, what does blogging provide for you?

DL: I was looking for a story that reflected my life- young, single, but not ready to be married or looking for a husband, and just enjoying life's highs and struggling through its lows. I was (am) obsessed with SATC and I wanted to know where the Black, realistic version of Carrie Bradshaw was. SATC had gone off the air, giving women the idea that "Big" suddenly had a change of heart and life wrapped up in a bow. I wanted to real version of that story. Also, while SATC stories covered a lot, there was some they missed. I wanted to fill in the blanks. I'm a writer, so I started writing my truth about dating, relationships, and men.

Blogging is my therapy. It's helped me unload a lot of baggage and also, reader insight (my commenters are very vocal and smart) tells me where my shortcomings are. I also learned that "it's not just me." Everytime I've shared something crazy or scary that I thought I was dealing with alone, I got a series of comments going "me too." Most of what we're ashamed to tell-- our pasts, our fears, our shames-- are pretty common and unique to human experience. I have a lot of readers around the world that write in to say, "thank you!" for inspiring them to write or share their experiences, or do better in their relationships after they've read about my triumphs and pitfalls.

SSNY: As a relationship editor for Essence, do you find that being openly honest about dating can be somewhat hindering to your personal life?

DL: Nah. The Essence stuff isn't where the issues come up. Most guys I meet think it’s cute that a woman they're dating is in a magazine. I'm also way toned down for what I write/ edit there. Very PC.

ABIB (A Belle In Brooklyn) has more potential for trouble, but doesn't cause too much. Upfront, I tell everyone I take an interest in what I do. Most guys I date don't read; they say its too personal like a diary, and too, too vulnerable. It strikes some protective chord they're not comfortable with. Some ask not to be written about even under a pseudonym. I mostly respect that wish. Most don't care if I write about them and are flattered to know I do. I don't really attack anyone, more write about my feelings about what they did.

I think by and large, it helps too that I don't write in real time. Very rarely, do I tell a story the day after or even weeks after, it happens. It's hard to pinpoint what I'm up too.

I stopped dating a guy because of something I found out, or better, someone I found out about, via the blog, but that's the only time it’s been a hindrance.

SSNY: For our single girl readers, what are some tips you can provide about meeting good men in NYC?

DL: Pay attention to who's around you. Stop looking for men in bars and clubs. The streets (and subways)are kinda lousy with great men and they're everywhere. Stay on the look out and don't be too shy or too stush to speak to a man you may want to get to know.




*VH1's "Let's Talk About Pep"

 SSNY: What are some of the main mistakes that women make when meeting men? And, when is it ok to have sex?

DL: Top 5:

*Communication

*not knowing what they want/ being superficial about what they want/ being unrealistic about what they want

*Having sex too soon. Sex can move you closer; it can also move you further apart. If you want to build with someone and you don't have a foundation before you have sex, its not likely to come after.

*Not giving a man space/ not letting him miss you.

*Acting like you’ re his girlfriend before you are. Slow down. Get to know a man before you give him your heart. And make sure you know he will cherish it before you turn it over.

To answer your sex question, the answer depends on too many factors like what you want out of the relationship or your motive for sex to give a definitive answer. If you don't want anything other than sex, do it whenever you feel like. Use a condom. You want a relationship, wait until you've developed a bond with the man and sex is an expression of how you feel, not an act in hopes of developing something deeper. The latter is where a lot of women get caught up.

SSNY: Name some things that women should look for in a man when deciding to take the relationship to the next level.

DL: Above all, his character. Too many of us get caught up in what he does for a living, where he went to college, where he lives, what he drives, blah, blah, blah. When it comes to deciding who to go "next level" with (I assume you're talking about deciding who to be in a relationship with), none of that stuff above matters.

I'm more concerned about his relationship with his family, or maybe, children. I care about his work ethic, how he speaks about women, how he handles being upset or not getting his way or disappointment, how he argues, how he respects me and protects me.

SSNY: What do you suggest single mothers do when they decide to return to the dating scene?

DL: The same thing I tell single women without children: smile and say hi. I'd add, don't "confess" you have a kid like it's a vice. Just bring it up in convo like, "oh, my daughter/son likes...." Also, don't rush to make a new man to be a father figure to your kid and don't intro the kid until you're sure the guy will be around for awhile.

SSNY: How do you feel about Regina King's recent Vibe article on dating outside of your race?

DL: I tell women to date good men. If he's black? Great. If he's not? Great. Love doesn't have a color. If a man treats you well, you enjoy his company and convo, does it matter what color he is? I'm all for strong Black families, but I'm equally for women getting the love they desire. Love in any color is a beautiful something

SSNY: You are dubbed "The Black Carrie Bradshaw" (LOVE THAT!), how similar are you and Carrie?

DL: It's a convenient comparison. One that someone threw out there years ago and it stuck. (If you Google me it comes up. After The Washington Post dubbed me that, I can’t escape it.) I get it. I live in New York, I'm a writer with a column about dating and a blog about dating and relationships. I go out a lot. I wear odd clothes and am obsessed with shoes. I'm single and optimistic. Like many women worldwide. I identify with Carrie Bradshaw, but I'm Demetria Lucas and I'm a real woman with my own adventures and perspectives. Not the Black version of a fictional white character.

SSNY: Where are some of your favorite hangouts in New York? What places would you recommend?

DL: Ideya Latin Bistro in Manhattan, Madiba, a South African restaurant in Brooklyn, Peaches in Brooklyn (shown right), Melba's Restaurant in Harlem, Mojo in Harlem, The Brooklyn Waterfront http://www.brooklyngreenway.org/ and anywhere in Fort Greene, Brooklyn!

SSNY: Where are some of your favorite NYC stores to shop?

DL: TopShop, Saks, Louis Vuitton, French Connection, Anthropologie. Oddly enough, I do most of shopping back home in DC in hopes of avoiding running into women wearing my clothes in NYC.

SSNY: We always ask everyone to tell us why they are so New York.
Starting the sentence with "I am so New York because..." tell us why You're SO New York!

DL: I am so New York because I love this city with my whole heart. And its shown me so many ways that it feels the same. I came here at 21 and I grew into a woman here.It's thrown me on my tush a couple times, but it always picks me back up. It's taken me places I never imagined I'd go. I ride over the Manhattan Bridge on the Q train to work some mornings and I look out at the NYC skyline and am inspired by the possibilities that this city holds.

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