Thursday, June 17, 2010

Abigail Ekue: Casual Sex Is Still Dead

Abigail Ekue is the ultimate New York woman. Born and Bred, she is the writer behind the blog Random Musings and author behind "The Darker Side of Lust (seen right), has a B.S. in Sports Sciences and is a certified Athletic Trainer.  She uses that knowledge and her clinical experience in her non fiction portfolio, that consists of work focusing on health, fitness and nutrition, food writing, restaurant reviews and profiles, personal essays and social commentaries. Her articles have been featured both in-print and online in AM New York, Afro Times, City Scoops Magazine,,, to name a few.
This UrbanErotika poet gladly gives us her opinion on casual sex, and her downright refusal of its existence as an older, wiser woman, living in NYC:

Nowadays when I have sex, I do a lot of thinking afterwards. I’ve come to realize it’s a sign of growth. Early on in my sexual life, I had an on-to-the-next-one mentality. I rarely looked back. The sex itself was the beginning and the end of the experience with that person. If I had hooked up with a friend, we remained friends but that didn’t mean we remained sexual partners.

Last year, I wrote The Death of Casual Sex and yes, it’s still dead. The older something gets the deader it gets; makes sense, no? Let me explain.

I now know the reason I became so aware that casual sex was dead…I’m getting older. And the people I deal with are getting older too. As you get older sex becomes more about connection instead of strictly play or learning, and the older you get the more aware of the consequences you become. Sex becomes more about quality instead of quantity. Hitting the 60-man mark is not a necessity. Sex is a connection. There’s a reason depressed people act out sexually (promiscuity) or retreat completely from sex; the connection or lack thereof. Think about why people have rebound sex. They’re hurting from a relationship that’s over. Flings are short-lived intense sexual and emotional connections on fast-forward. Enjoy your jelly bracelets, lipstick parties or whatever the latest sexual fad is, kiddies. It won’t last.
And then there were two…

A “platonic” friend that you have sex with occasionally or a lover you have an intense sexual bond with but the friendship is fuzzy at best—who would you choose? Can either develop into something more?

See, wanting more means you’re not in the realm of casual. That’s where I am. I don’t give ultimatums. I think, state how I feel, listen to their feeling and thoughts on the situation and then make a decision. And I’m sure if the sexual relationship ends with both men, I won’t go running to next dude. A few years ago, that would’ve been my course of action.

Who has the energy for casual sex? It’s more work to keep things casual than to just let your emotions take their natural course. You can be in a relationship and then casually do it in the kitchen sometimes, you know what I mean? But seriously, the last really great lover I had was 3 years ago; it had a 5-day a week consistency, full of experimentation and the basics, we mastered each other’s bodies. He was also quite a bit older than me. Since then, I’m sure the level of dissatisfaction I felt wasn’t due to do with the sex I was having but with the lack of connection. The lines between casual and serious started to blur and that’s not what I wanted. It didn’t end well. He was pissed. I was pissed at the 30+ phone calls that night. I was pissed at the forged emails. I was pissed at the bus stop harassment. But I’m not pissed at why he was pissed. He shared with me and we created a bond. It’s hard to be casual. So no, I’m not pissed he was hurt, but I am pissed at myself for not sharing what I shared with him with someone who wasn’t casual.

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