The Belle of NYC: A Sit Down with Demetria Lucas

Demetria Lucas, Essence magazine's Relationships Editor and woman behind the internet sensation "A Belle in Brooklyn," is the epitome of the New York woman. Recently seen on "Let's Talk About Pep," she attempted to show Sandy "Pepa" Denton the ropes of successful "man hunting" in the Big Apple.

With her presence on the show as a well educated, successful career woman looking for a companion, viewers fell in love with her warm and hip personality, FABULOUS fashion choices, and her ability to work the room like a professional without working up a sweat. Even Pepa was no match for this savvy New York transplant.

Dubbed "The Black Carrie Bradshaw," She's So New York got the opportunity to speak with Ms. Lucas about her love of blogging, the dating scene in New York, and the woman behind the pen:

Who is She: Demetria Lucas, age 30

What does she do: Relationships Editor for Essence magazine, writer behind " A Belle in Brooklyn" dating expert and speaker

Where is She From: Originally from Washington, D.C.

Her former goals: Business/Pre Law

What you would find in her bag: makeup bag, lots of other folks biz cards, receipts, nail polish, hair clips, rings, bangles, shoes, iPod, phone, glasses, a magazine, sunglasses, pens, and then the obvious.

(Check out her fave NYC staples below!)

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She's So New York: I read that you were formerly Pre-Law, but after an assignment in college on "Native Son," you decided to change your career path. How did you venture into writing about relationships?

Demetria Lucas: It was a subject I was always interested in. My senior thesis in high school were essays and short fiction about modern Black love. A year after I came to New York, I landed a job editing romance novels, later I moved on a book editor at Harlequin. I'd been freelancing as a journalist for about five years, covering music a lifestyle mostly, and I'd lost my passion for it. While I was at Harlequin, I wanted to write about dating and relationships since that's where my interest was. I tried to pitch a few places with ideas, but I didn't have the clips to back it up. I started a blog on MySpace to share my thoughts about dating and such. Six months later, Honeymag.com picked up the blog. It became pretty popular pretty quick. I wrote for Honey for 5 months before ESSENCE offered me a position as the Relationships Editor.

SSNY: Where did you get the idea for "A Belle In Brooklyn"? For some,blogging is cleansing and therapeutic, what does blogging provide for you?

DL: I was looking for a story that reflected my life- young, single, but not ready to be married or looking for a husband, and just enjoying life's highs and struggling through its lows. I was (am) obsessed with SATC and I wanted to know where the Black, realistic version of Carrie Bradshaw was. SATC had gone off the air, giving women the idea that "Big" suddenly had a change of heart and life wrapped up in a bow. I wanted to real version of that story. Also, while SATC stories covered a lot, there was some they missed. I wanted to fill in the blanks. I'm a writer, so I started writing my truth about dating, relationships, and men.

Blogging is my therapy. It's helped me unload a lot of baggage and also, reader insight (my commenters are very vocal and smart) tells me where my shortcomings are. I also learned that "it's not just me." Everytime I've shared something crazy or scary that I thought I was dealing with alone, I got a series of comments going "me too." Most of what we're ashamed to tell-- our pasts, our fears, our shames-- are pretty common and unique to human experience. I have a lot of readers around the world that write in to say, "thank you!" for inspiring them to write or share their experiences, or do better in their relationships after they've read about my triumphs and pitfalls.

SSNY: As a relationship editor for Essence, do you find that being openly honest about dating can be somewhat hindering to your personal life?

DL: Nah. The Essence stuff isn't where the issues come up. Most guys I meet think it’s cute that a woman they're dating is in a magazine. I'm also way toned down for what I write/ edit there. Very PC.

ABIB (A Belle In Brooklyn) has more potential for trouble, but doesn't cause too much. Upfront, I tell everyone I take an interest in what I do. Most guys I date don't read; they say its too personal like a diary, and too, too vulnerable. It strikes some protective chord they're not comfortable with. Some ask not to be written about even under a pseudonym. I mostly respect that wish. Most don't care if I write about them and are flattered to know I do. I don't really attack anyone, more write about my feelings about what they did.

I think by and large, it helps too that I don't write in real time. Very rarely, do I tell a story the day after or even weeks after, it happens. It's hard to pinpoint what I'm up too.

I stopped dating a guy because of something I found out, or better, someone I found out about, via the blog, but that's the only time it’s been a hindrance.

SSNY: For our single girl readers, what are some tips you can provide about meeting good men in NYC?

DL: Pay attention to who's around you. Stop looking for men in bars and clubs. The streets (and subways)are kinda lousy with great men and they're everywhere. Stay on the look out and don't be too shy or too stush to speak to a man you may want to get to know.




*VH1's "Let's Talk About Pep"

 SSNY: What are some of the main mistakes that women make when meeting men? And, when is it ok to have sex?

DL: Top 5:

*Communication

*not knowing what they want/ being superficial about what they want/ being unrealistic about what they want

*Having sex too soon. Sex can move you closer; it can also move you further apart. If you want to build with someone and you don't have a foundation before you have sex, its not likely to come after.

*Not giving a man space/ not letting him miss you.

*Acting like you’ re his girlfriend before you are. Slow down. Get to know a man before you give him your heart. And make sure you know he will cherish it before you turn it over.

To answer your sex question, the answer depends on too many factors like what you want out of the relationship or your motive for sex to give a definitive answer. If you don't want anything other than sex, do it whenever you feel like. Use a condom. You want a relationship, wait until you've developed a bond with the man and sex is an expression of how you feel, not an act in hopes of developing something deeper. The latter is where a lot of women get caught up.

SSNY: Name some things that women should look for in a man when deciding to take the relationship to the next level.

DL: Above all, his character. Too many of us get caught up in what he does for a living, where he went to college, where he lives, what he drives, blah, blah, blah. When it comes to deciding who to go "next level" with (I assume you're talking about deciding who to be in a relationship with), none of that stuff above matters.

I'm more concerned about his relationship with his family, or maybe, children. I care about his work ethic, how he speaks about women, how he handles being upset or not getting his way or disappointment, how he argues, how he respects me and protects me.

SSNY: What do you suggest single mothers do when they decide to return to the dating scene?

DL: The same thing I tell single women without children: smile and say hi. I'd add, don't "confess" you have a kid like it's a vice. Just bring it up in convo like, "oh, my daughter/son likes...." Also, don't rush to make a new man to be a father figure to your kid and don't intro the kid until you're sure the guy will be around for awhile.

SSNY: How do you feel about Regina King's recent Vibe article on dating outside of your race?

DL: I tell women to date good men. If he's black? Great. If he's not? Great. Love doesn't have a color. If a man treats you well, you enjoy his company and convo, does it matter what color he is? I'm all for strong Black families, but I'm equally for women getting the love they desire. Love in any color is a beautiful something

SSNY: You are dubbed "The Black Carrie Bradshaw" (LOVE THAT!), how similar are you and Carrie?

DL: It's a convenient comparison. One that someone threw out there years ago and it stuck. (If you Google me it comes up. After The Washington Post dubbed me that, I can’t escape it.) I get it. I live in New York, I'm a writer with a column about dating and a blog about dating and relationships. I go out a lot. I wear odd clothes and am obsessed with shoes. I'm single and optimistic. Like many women worldwide. I identify with Carrie Bradshaw, but I'm Demetria Lucas and I'm a real woman with my own adventures and perspectives. Not the Black version of a fictional white character.

SSNY: Where are some of your favorite hangouts in New York? What places would you recommend?

DL: Ideya Latin Bistro in Manhattan, Madiba, a South African restaurant in Brooklyn, Peaches in Brooklyn (shown right), Melba's Restaurant in Harlem, Mojo in Harlem, The Brooklyn Waterfront http://www.brooklyngreenway.org/ and anywhere in Fort Greene, Brooklyn!

SSNY: Where are some of your favorite NYC stores to shop?

DL: TopShop, Saks, Louis Vuitton, French Connection, Anthropologie. Oddly enough, I do most of shopping back home in DC in hopes of avoiding running into women wearing my clothes in NYC.

SSNY: We always ask everyone to tell us why they are so New York.
Starting the sentence with "I am so New York because..." tell us why You're SO New York!

DL: I am so New York because I love this city with my whole heart. And its shown me so many ways that it feels the same. I came here at 21 and I grew into a woman here.It's thrown me on my tush a couple times, but it always picks me back up. It's taken me places I never imagined I'd go. I ride over the Manhattan Bridge on the Q train to work some mornings and I look out at the NYC skyline and am inspired by the possibilities that this city holds.

Dying to hear more from the Guru? Add "A Belle In Brooklyn," to your favorite website and become a fan!

Send us your stories, tips and YOUR take on dating and relationships to walkergordonproductions@gmail.com!

Are you following us on twitter? www.twitter.com/SheSoNewYork

Why I'm Single: Marlene Rodriguez

SSNY didn't hesitate to hear what New York City women had to say about being single. We asked two simple questions, via Facebook and Twitter: Are you single by choice? And, if so, why have you chosen not to be in a relationship? Since we officially kicked-off Single Ladies Week, our inbox has been flooded with your stories, advice, ideas and answers. By honestly expressing the thoughts that go through every single woman's mind, while sharing personal factors that deter her from dating, Marlene Rodriguez broke it down to a science. Between her history of dating lame-o's who wound up being more of a drag than a good date, and the loss of her father last year, Marlene explains why she can't help but associate dating with marriage.

*Marlene Rodriguez

*26 years old

*Queens

*I'm so New York because, "I'm hardworking, cultured, unique, curvy and loving it, and I'm strong. A New York girl is classy, yet, will never go down without a fight. She's nurturing, but she can holdown her own, and, wear heels with any outfit, yet, put on her sneakers to get down and dirty."

*Her passion: "My life... I strive to achieve excellence to be a provider for myself, my family, and my future family...  I appreciate the curve balls that are sent my way, because they help me to become the woman that I am."

Am I single by choice? Yes and no. It's so hard to remove yourself from your norm and take a risk. I remember the good old high school days. It was so simple to say to a boy, "Hey, I like you... what's good?" As an adult, it's a completely different world. I fear rejection. I think long term vs short term. So many questions cloud my mind. I overthink the relationship, and, that's when doubt sets in.


I am single by choice for a number of reasons.


1- I'm not where I want to be in life. Being in a relationship would be a big distraction.


2- I've been in one too many dead end relationships. A lot of times, the guy doesn't aspire to do anything with their lifes, let alone have a life plan in motion.


3- Lastly, after my dad passed away in July, marriage just doesn't seem the same for me. I know it's far fetched to think of marriage as a single person right now, but, I think long term... I think about what's going to happen in a few years of dating this person? Obviously, marriage. A wedding day has always been about my dad walking me down the isle. My dad, knowing my husband-to-be and his grandkids, when the time came... that's not happening for me anymore, so my perspective on marriage is so different from a year ago.


On the flip side, I'm not single by choice just because I haven't found the right person I'm meant to be with. My attitude towards finding a boyfriend during this time in my life is simple. I'm not looking for a relationship, but if it happens to fall in my lap, I'll deal with it and see if the person is the one for me. Dating is hard. It seems that dating consist of having sex on the first date. I don't want to sleep with a guy one the first date. Yet, if I don't, they quickly lose interest. So, dating is a lose-lose at times! I want to respect myself like every woman should. Kids and marriage are my intention. As much as I long for it at times, as I'm approaching my late twenties, I'm also not in a huge rush to find it. I know when it's my time it will be.

Marlene Rodriguez

She might be single now, but, trust, someone as beautiful, focused, and determined as Marlene won't be a table of one for too long!

If you have any questions for Marlene, or you want to share something about being single and what it means to you, contact us! SSNY is all about women helping to inform and inspire other women, just by being  

HERE walkergordonproductions@gmail.com

Where You Need To Be: Speed Dating/Singles Mixer!

Zye Connects presents a night of speed dating and singles mixer at Simply Fondue in the beautiful Atlas Mall in Queens, NY!



Wednesday, June 23, 2010, 7:00pm
Location: Simply Fondue
Street: 80-00 Cooper Ave
City/Town: Queens, NY





The event starts at 7:15pm, Early birds get a FREE mini makeover!
Its $25 for the ladies, $35 for the gents!


Price Includes:
* A martini or glass of wine
*$25 gift certificate for dinner for 2 at Simply Fondue
* Your very own date kit!


For more information, and to RSVP for the event, please e-mail: zyeconnects@gmail.com

What She Says: "Proud to Be Single"

She's So New York just loves featuring writers who capture the soul and vivacity of the SSNY woman! Today we feature Radannsun and her "Proud to Be Single" post!

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It's hard sometimes, isn't it? Going through your everyday life and constantly seeing those couples walking along, hand-in-hand, smiling that sickly sweet smile that just makes you want to walk up and slap it off their faces. Being single is certainly an acquired taste, but it can be enjoyable after awhile. Just think: how many of those couples you saw strolling through the mall the other day are still going to be happy and together a week from now? That in itself is cause to celebrate your single status.

The Perks
Seeing as how I'm female, this will all be coming from a female point of view. Sorry boys. A single woman has the freedom that others do not. There are no obligatory meetings with the boyfriend, no arguments over where and how to spend your weekends, and no one pressuring her into levels of intimacy she doesn't want to dip into just yet. There is no better time to discover yourself than when you're single and living on your own. No outside influences are guiding your decisions or your preferences. Or, at the very least, there are fewer outside influences controlling your life.

It's also nice to walk into a public place and flirt with a few hot guys without having to worry if he or one of his friends will see you. (Yes, I will admit that I'm a horrible flirt, though, for the record, I've never cheated.) You can pig out on ice cream and not feel quite as guilty. Your night life is rife with variety and opportunities. Plus, when the right guy comes along, it's ten times easier to start into a healthy relationship if you're single at the time.


The Reasons
Frankly, I don't like the way the dating game has changed. What is this boyfriend/girlfriend thing, anyway? I mean, half the time a guy doesn't ask me out anymore. He asks me if I 'want to be [his] girlfriend'. What? Without even one date? You've got to be kidding me.


Worse are the boys who come up - bear in mind that I've never seen them before - and state, without preamble, "You're hot. Want to go out?" Let me tell you something. No woman in their right mind is going to go out with someone who doesn't even know their name! I'm not looking for a one-night stand. He can find one of the loose girls that this worked with before, or just cut to the chase and hire a prostitute.


Let's face it. If you really wanted someone to hold you, or kiss you, or a free meal, you could find someone. It's not that hard. Those of us who remain single do so not because we couldn't have a relationship. We're single because we haven't found the relationship we want yet.

So, if you're single, don't be depressed about it. You should be proud that you haven't bought into the crap the world is selling you. And keep your standards high. In the end, you're going to be the one that everyone envies, not the other way around.


Want more of Radannsun? Check her out! http://hubpages.com/profile/Radannsun

Are you following us on twitter? www.twitter.com/SheSoNewYork

Single And Looking VS Single And Loving It

Either stance could be reversed, without notice. The woman on the prowl every ladies night of the week can mysteriously awaken with a sudden epiphany. After running through every different kind of guy, perhaps it's time for her to stop looking for love and start loving her life, as is.

Just as easily, the self-assured single woman with no qualms being a party of one, might spend a day in the park and walk past the quintessencial couple, holding hands, absorbed in their own chemistry. Such a sight could quickly motivate Ms. Self-Assured to open herself to the possibility of love.

Most of us agree that neither approach is wrong. Still, it would be reckless for any woman prepared to go on the hunt for love, to not first be comfortable being a woman who walks into parties, restaurants, and other social functions alone. Far too many women allow minor insecurities to hinder them from socially blosssoming on their own. Solo. It's as if we believe that if we're caught dead on a Saturday night, standing on line at a movie theater, ready to purchase a ticket for one, someone will identify her as one of those lonely losers, too damaged to be loved by another. As if!

More often than not, the people standing in front and behind you don't give a damn who you are, or what you're buying. And, if they are looking, rest assured they're acknowledging one of your atributes, or, maybe checking out your purse.


Sometimes in a relationship, we can be so caught up in our beloveds we forget to nurture and appreciate the things that got our rocks off before they came along. Being in-between relationships is the perfect time to rediscover those passions you lived for, long before you found love.


She's So New York is dedicating this week to all the single ladies in New York City! Expect coverage of hot-spots singles will enjoy, great places to meet other single guys, how to stay sexy without the sex, women who've rediscovered themselves through being single, and much more!


If you're a single woman with tips for other ladies, or, you have something you'd like to contribute to our upcoming website, shessonewyork.com, email us at walkergordonproductions@gmail.com

Tamela J. Gordon

She is Tionna Smalls: A Sit Down with the Queen of the Internet

If you're anything like us, the minute she spoke, you LOVED her. If not, get yourself acquainted with the fireball that is Tionna Smalls. Author, entrepreneur, and co-star of VH1's "What Chilli Wants." The minute Ms. Smalls came in, she slowly but surely transformed Chilli (the Sexy in TLC) from a picky, manless, transitioning Georgia peach, into a ready-for-primetime-relationship woman with two (white) men to choose from, in the season finale of the hit show.

In today's day and age when women are not shown in all of our beauty and glory, Smalls continued to impress her audience with new hair styles, fashion looks, and confident swag. It's safe to say, many men and women have not been exposed to a self-assured woman of her stature. She recognizes that just by being who she is - without apology, she's motivated women of all walks of life to be who they are, without exception. She prided herself on being real at all times. Clearly, it shows.

Here's our sit down with the author of "Girl Get Your Mind Right," and get her take on the show, her book, her future plans and why she's a SSNY woman!

Who is She: Tionna Smalls, age 25

Where is She From: Brooklyn, New York

What does she do: Author of "Girl, Get Your Mind Right," Producer, Entrepreneur, TV star

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She's So New York: How did the opportunity come about to do the show? What made you agree to do the show?

Tionna Smalls: I already had a book and website ( http://www.talkdatish.com/) with a huge following. I wrote for Gawker (http://www.gawker.com/) who offered me a position as a column writer after becoming fans of mine as well. The same thing with the producers of the show. They thought I was perfect for working with Chilli, and I was asked to join the show as her matchmaker.

SSNY: Have you watched any of the episodes? How do you feel you're being on portrayed on tv? How do you feel about it? Do you feel that the show captures who you are?

TS: I was me the entire time. So yeah, I feel that the show showed who I really am. I pull no punches, I kept it real with Chilli and that's why I was chosen to do the show because they knew that I will be the realest. If you're phony, people will know. They can see through it, so that's why I never compromised myself. A lot of people think that in this business, you have to be a D-I-C-K rider in order to get put on. I had my own little buzz going before all of this. I came to the table already established in what I do. So when I showed up, I was me 100%. The one thing though that people don't understand is that I am not a matchmaker. I wrote a book about dating and relationships and VH1 thought that I would be a great asset to the show.

SSNY: Do you feel Chilli's friends undermined your work? How did you work around being in that environment and staying true to your mission with Chilli?

TS: I don't know how they showed it on TV sometimes, but Chilli's friends were really cool. They helped me out with the dates and stuff like that. I knew what I was there for, and that was going to get done regardless. But yeah, they were really nice people and they never interfered with me and my work.

SSNY: From our perspective, during the argument with Chili outside the restaurant, you came off as a woman defending her career and her actions. Do you regret how you approached Chili at all, and, do you regret how Chili approached you?

TS: Chilli and I never got the chance to get to know each other before the show. That's what a lot of people don't understand. Had we got to know each other, it would've been a completely different show. On top of that, all the viewers see is a half hour show, but we were there filming all day every day. It got tiring and exhausting at times. But as we went along, we learned about each other. Chilli and I are cool. She knows what time it is. We had plenty of discussions after the show where we talked, really talked. We know we got on each other nerves, etc. But we know now about each other.

SSNY: What's the greatest sacrifice you've had to make in order to get your career going?

TS: Money (laughs).. Wait let me think. (says to self) "What's the greatest sacrifice?" No, it's not money, it's my ego. You know a lot of times when you're a co-star or something, people want to make you feel like you're not "there" yet. Like you're not really that "person" yet, (saying things like,) "You don't have to do this," or "Let Chilli Do That." And it's like that wasn't really me. Me since day one, I always did my thing. I worked in group homes, a lot of things. You don't even know. I accomplished a lot. I mean, I did my damn business. But now its like you're just starting out again, but now the game is over. I mean, millions of people know me now, see me, they know how I am so that won't go on anymore.

SSNY: What were some of the thing you were apart of before "What Chilli Wants?

TS: Writing, a lot of non-profit work. Transitional centers for pregnant women - That's what I'm in to and when I get a lot of money, I am going to be opening my own non-profit. I'm very much into things like therapeutic interventions, stuff like that. That's what I do.

SSNY: Where did the idea for your book come from? What motivated to you to write a book on that subject?

TS: Me and my first boyfriend, we broke up after 6 years together, and I thought that I knew the game, and the next thing you know, I start dating and I said, Oh my God, these men are off the chain! I'm gonna write a book cause it's not the men, it's got to be the woman and what we accept. So that's what made me write the book. I wrote the book as a rant at first, when I was ranting off about stuff. But then when I looked back on how big this was, that's when I stepped back and took it seriously.

SSNY: Now that you're a TV personality - well, I wouldn't say you're a TV Personality -

TS: I'm AM a TV personality, but I'd like to stick to the entrepreneur/author thing. You know "TV Personality" is so Flavor of Love-ish. I like a title. I'm an author really. I'm a motivator. I'm an entrepreneur. This is what I do.

SSNY: So with this scene, is it going to take a backseat to your writing career? Or do you plan to write more? What are you gonna do?

TS: I am bringing my manuscript to my mother's house so I can sit down and read through it because it does take a lot on you, especially when you're playing all these roles. I'm still Tionna Smalls, entrepreneur. I still have to get things get done, I have to make sure my bills get paid. This is not a hobby, this is not a joke. This is how I pay my bills. I have a lot of pending things going right now as well as a book deal. So now I have to really get on my grind with my writing. So, it does take a lot, promoting yourself, basically, reading what people are saying, reading whatever VH1 saying - I'm also producing another show, doing my producer work. So say between my producer work, and my regular work.

SSNY: So any plans to hit the West Coast anytime soon?

TS: To visit. (laughs) I can always go visit but I'm not interested in moving to no Cali. But I'm definitely going to making more moves out there, cause that's where the money is at.

SSNY: Do you have any upcoming projects that us She's So New York girls should know about?

TS: You know, I'm producing a new show, I'm opening a store in a few weeks, I'm trying to deal with this book again - you know this book is going to be so major, you don't even understand. Because this is gonna be the realest "ish" you ever read, but its going to be professional this time around. You know it's going to be around and I'll be traveling to promote the book. I have a lot of pending endorsements going on.

The one thing about endorsements, is that I only endorse things I really believe in. I'm always repping for the big girl - no doubt; and its sexy. Everything I do is going be sexy. It aint gonna be no, "You're a size 12, or you're a size 20 and you're just busted." - that shit is finished. It's all about the fly, the fab. You know, I've been glaming myself up, got my new weave too, poppin. You know, I'm all about just taking it to the next level. So, I'm really just gonna be a beast for the next few months, I need all the cash. And I'm writing two more shows. I'm just getting it poppin girl. I believe you can do anything you put your mind to, and being on the show, that's little. That's nothing.

And if I'm never on another show again, it's never going to make me feel in any type of way. You're always gonna hear about me. I don't care if you heard my store, or whether I'm producing another show, whether it's about my books because I'm writing another book after this one because this one is finished but I just want to read through it and make sure I said everything that I wanted to say. So I need a couple of "read-thru" days, to make sure I really said everything I need to say.

SSNY: What advice would you give the average single woman advice on how to get a good man?

TS: Well, first of all you can't beast. Beast meaning, you know, you can't - go so hard to get the guy. Sometimes you have to relax, and be enjoyed, you know what I mean? And once you do get the guy, keep a goddamn hobby! See, a lot of women, when we do find a guy, we're so up under his ass that he gets annoyed and he wants to be out cause its like "Oh God, she's sweating me, starving." and that's why you can't do that. Keep a hobby, keep your friends around because you know what happens when a woman get a man, you know the first thing that happens: they lose their friends, and they lose their sense of self. And when they do that, they fuck up. You have to keep being into yourself, keep being into your life because I have a man, you have a husband and we still do us. We still work, we still establish ourselves, and that is what's going to take you to that next level.

Also, knowing the difference between what "fuckable" and what's "keepable." If you don't know the difference, you're gonna lose.

SSNY: What are the do's and don'ts of dating? What are some dating trends you've been noticing lately?

TS: Yeah, I got a problem with one dating trend and I think my ladies better get up on it and stop this B.S.: "dates" at a dude's house? That aint no damn date. Cause all that is, is a man trying to get in your panties before the credits of the movie comes on. No, that is a trend that must stop immediately. It's not right, it's not correct. Another thing is even when you do invite a man to your house, he shows up empty handed!

Back in our mama's days, if you drink, if you smoke, if you ate, - THEY had to bring with the eats, had to bring the smoke. These dudes come empty handed as hell, and want you to cook for them, but didn't buy the groceries! The thing is you think that women would know this stuff, but that's the problem. They continue to play themselves. Back in the day, dudes used to go hard for girls. These days, it's so easy to get somebody now, that it's like "Oh, I don't have to do nothing. She's gonna come regardless." There is no effort and then they wonder why they get the same results with different men. Like I say: "Sometimes you have to do things different, to get the things you never had."

We NEED to get back to dating, we have to get back to dating because now it's getting ridiculous. People are on TV bragging about being engaged for years and years, and things like that. If you give these dudes a rope, they would hang themselves like that. I aint giving no man no ten years of my life with nothing to show for it! You're crazy, that's out. And I'm not saying that we're perfect when we are in a relationship - just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you don't have problems. There's some times I have my own problems with my man, but there's one thing that my man knows: I don't settle for no bull crap. He don't play no games either. We don't play no games with each other, and we work out just fine.

SSNY: What's your take on interracial dating?

TS: Me personally - I never tried the white meat, but I'm not a racist, you know? I don't have a problem with it, and the way the statistics are going, women will HAVE to start dating outside of their race.

SSNY: Regina King just recently wrote an open letter(http://www.vibe.com/posts/regina-king-more-black-women-should-date-outside-their-race) to black women on dating outside of their race, and how while black women are normally apprehensive, black men date freely. What do you think we're so up in arms about it?

TS: Well, you know, that's what we were raised on. We were raised on black men, doing their thing but based on the statistics, we'll have to date outside our race - that's just the reality. And I'm not saying everybody, but it's true. Look at "What Chilli Wants."
I brought all those black guys for her and she aint pick not one. I mean, I'M shocked. People keep telling me that they're shocked but listen, I'M SHOCKED with them. I said it before, all these black men and its down to two white boys. WOW. You didn't expect it? I didn't expect it, and I was THERE. But Chilli is mixed herself, so it didn't shock me all that much, you know what I'm saying? Somebody like her that's been around the world, they know about other races. This isn't the first time she liked a guy of another race, but now I'm glad she did it though. She is letting these women know. She is saying "it's ok to date outside your race," "it's ok to like Rob - instead of Rah." Even Filipino guys are getting in on the action. Black women have a lot going on for themselves, but the one thing we don't have like the other races is our self esteem on point. Cause everything else we got together, but not self esteem like the other races.

I mean, I'm gonna keep it real. I keep it real all the time. I read what people say about me. But listen, I know I'm a big girl, but really..I just got big titties. And I read what people say about me, and I say to myself "THIS is why girls are getting nose jobs, and stuff like that." It's the comments. These dumb ass comments are making women feel really bad about themselves. But that's not going work for me. You're gonna have to talk about me forever. You're gonna have to come harder than talking about my titties. Cause I'm not getting no breast reduction, no lipo. You can forget it!

You can say what you want about me cause the bottom line is this: I'm on TV and you're not. The reality of it is, don't be worried about my fat ass. My fat ass is happy. Worry about YOUR fat ass, and why YOU'RE not happy. If you worried about the important things in life, you'd be better off. This is why people like me - they know that they're getting the real from me. THEY KNOW. I keep it real all day, every day, This is no gimmick.

Now don't get me wrong - if they have a season two of "What Chilli Wants," make no mistake, I'm getting in the gym - I'm working out more. Because now I know better, and I know how I look. But this is a personal decision.

SSNY: How can you tell a good date from a bad date?

TS: It's all about how you feel. You know you have one of those dates when you're thinking "Why the hell am I here?" "I need to go home." "What am I doing?" If you have that feeling, then obviously its not a good situation. But if on the date, you're feeling easy breezy and you're feeling good about it and you're thinking about the next date, and the next date, and the next date - and you feel like you really want to get to know this guy. That is an absolutely fabulous date! Any date where you are second guessing, is bad. Or where you're compromising - you didn't really want to eat KFC, but you settled and ate there because you didn't know how much money the guy had. Those dates where you have to think too much, is not good at all.

SSNY: What are some of the things you can't live without?

TS: Internet! You know I can't live without my internet. I am going on vacation, and I told my man that I was leaving my computer home and he said "Yeah, right!" I am an internet fanatic! I love to reach out to my peoples, I love to shop on the internet - I goes in on the computer. You know, this is how I get paid, if I'm not seeing what's going on, it's a wrap. At the end of the day, this TV shit dries up and I'm still the Internet Queen. I got to make sure that my game is on tight. I can't live without my lip gloss (she loves MAC gloss, like we do!) I've been weaing the lipsticks lately but you know, I can't live without my phone, and I really can't live without my love for real people. I love when I wake up, and I'm with people who really love me for me. Just like my man, or anybody else. Like, I've been with my man before alot of this started for me so I KNOW he loves me for me. (laughs) Just to be around people who love you for you.

No matter how much I'm on tv, I still had to go to the store for my mother the other day and I was cracking up! That's real and you always need that realness in your life because you can get so caught up in this entertainment industry and get caught up in feeling yourself too much. That's why I'm just me. She is I and I is she.

My family definetely keeps me grounded. My mother-in-law is like a mother to me too. She goes hard for me. Whenever people come to the house, she shows them the show. It's real love, from real people. I'm mean, I might be a little cocky - I'm confident on this love ish, but never to the point where I'm cocky about TV, but I'm always confident in writing about this love ish in terms of what I bring to the table. I take it seriously. People are sometimes intimidated, but I go hard for it. That's it, nobody gonna stop me.

SSNY: Besides Brooklyn, what's your favorite borough and why?

TS: Long Island - I'm trying to move to Long Island now actually. I've been in Brooklyn my whole life. I'm still in Brooklyn. I have to wear hats to go outside now sometimes. All the boroughs are the same really, but actually, I really like Queens. A lot of my peoples are from Queens. But in terms of what I like, Brooklyn and Long Island, that's all I rep. Out of state, I love Atlanta. That's the most beautifullest place I've ever been to for black people. Atlanta is just the city, I'm not even gonna lie - that shit is hot. You just see people doing big things there and things you think that are impossible. You'll see chicks out there, making it happen, women with non-profits, they got this, and that. And I'm always very happy for them and feel very supportive of them.

SSNY: That's what She's So New York is all about. It's not even just about one borough or place, we're about promoting ALL women, embracing each other, supporting one another and highlighting the real of what NYC women are all about - because we have so much going on.

TS: She's So New York, is just about the everday girl. She's New York, but that really means she's a hustler, she's doing what she needs to do to make it. She recognizes New York as one of her entities. I love New York, but Atlanta is where I want to be, where I get my money from. It's not LA money, but I can make it. If you can make it here in New York, YOU can make it anywhere else.

SSNY: To be only 25, and having accomplished all that you have, YOU'RE the shit! We are so happy for you. The best part is that you are just getting started. Congratulations.

TS: I feel like I accomplished a couple of things, but then I don't feel like I've accomplished alot (laughs). They're not even ready for me. I'm good. I'm getting married next year as well. I'm just really excited about my life. People wanna talk about me being on this show, but really the show is nothing to me. It's a couple of dollars, but it's not the big picture. I am doing big things man. Seriously.

SSNY: We always like to ask our SSNY ladies to tell us and the world why they're so New York. Start off the sentence with "I am so New York because..."

TS: I am so New York because.... I am just real and I don't really care what people are saying cause I'm grinding so hard. Matter fact, I am so New York because I grind so hard, and I'm just so real and I'm never going to apologize for it. I am DEFINETELY SO NEW YORK!

It's all about the She's So New York/Girl, Get Your Mind Right Campaign!

Want more of Ms. Smalls? Be sure to check http://www.tionnasmallsonline.com/ and be on the look out of for the re-release of her book "Girl, Get Your Mind right (coming soon! Follow her on twitter www.twitter.com/TionnaSmalls 

Loving The One's You're With

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I don't know which woman coined the phrase, but, I sure would like to shake the gal's hand. Because, boy oh boy is there truth in that question!

Whether you're hooking up or settling down, more often than not, there's a lover looming in the background. In a city where the span of a relationship can sometimes fall shorter than a seasonal trend, or, drag out longer than this season's Housewives of New Jersey, trying to find a happy balance is no easy feat.

When you finally find Mr. Now, how do you make it last? More importantly, how do you know if it's even worth lasting? Questions most of us find ourselves asking when we're already knee-deep in like/love. By that time, it's nearly impossible to differentiate thoughts from the heart with thoughts from the head.

Take Tionna Smalls. So fluent in the language of love, she gets paid an impressive amount of coin to write about women finding their own Mr. Right. She believes that no man has no worth if you've yet to discover your own. If you're a brilliant and brassy broad like Portia "CocoDivalicious", then you're sure that your lover must discover you -flaws and all, from the very inception of love's blossoming. So help you God if your partners resemble my casualties, any way, shape, or form. Gaga's like me are so wrapped up in our lives, our adventures, our self-discovery tours, tending to relationships we've already established (family, friends, co-workers, probation officers, etc.), hooking up or settling down is way off our radar.

Your lover, your live-in, your, partner, your guy, your crush. There's so many different varieties to like/lust/sex/love that we'd be crazy not to feature the topic on She's So New York. Expect to find women on our upcoming website to be real and honest about who they love and how they love them. In the end, it's about learning how to truly grow and benefit from the love of another, while giving the best parts of you, while keeping that most precious part to yourself. If you can find a way to relate and love with another, then, relationships are lovely.

***Are you currently involved in a long distance relationship? Are you a person with a live-in lover who's got something to say? Have you moved to a different state to be with the one you love? Write to us and let us know your story! ShesSoNewYork.com (late-summer 2010)... Striving To Inform And Inspire, Just By Being Here: walkergordonproductions@gmail.com***


Tamela J. Gordon

Bad Economy = Bad Dating?

We're still discussing "Budgeting in NYC" and are now covering "Dating on a Budget in NYC" Here we listen to the TMI Girls, discussing dating in a bad economy:



What's your take? What are some cheap, great ways to meet guys, girls, etc. in New York? Let us know!

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