Rhonda Says: Love and Relationships

As promised, She's So New York is informing and inspiring us all by sharing stories from real women who are bold enough to live life by their rules, and look good doing it!

In keeping up with that spirit, we're finally ready to show off Rhonda! The spunky, Queens native - thespian who's doing her part to give as much of herself to this city as she's getting from it. Involved in a loving, five year relationship with her girlfriend, Rhonda's got plenty to say about how to approach finding "the one", and, how to keep the love going strong once you've got them. (Shout out to all Queens thespians, seeing as how myself and Portia Walker majored in theater at HILLCREST HIGH IN JAMAICA, QUEENS!),






Welcome to my first entry for this Bombshell Blog She’s So New York! The wonderful staff at SSNY has asked me to contribute, and, I'm honored to let you in on everything I think and enjoy in New York City. I'm a born and raised Queens Lady, but trust, I'm perpetually immersed in the treasure chest that New York has to offer. It's important to soak up every bit of diversity pouring out of every seam here in NYC.


The topic this week is Relationships, an important bond for our development as men and women in society. In New York City, the challenge to find a suitable mate can be daunting. If you're looking for a lasting relationship, the search can become discouraging. Is it because we want the ‘perfect’ one? Listen, there's standards we set for the “perfect one” , that are sometimes higher than we (the mate hunter) can even aspire to! GET REAL. Look at the heart and character of a lover. Money, looks and charm may equal amazing getaways and tons of toe curling ‘release’… but where's the substance that withstands years of disappointments, pain ,and other traumas that cripple our faith in life? I've been with the same woman for five years. We've have had hard times, disagreements, and countless tests of courage that could have broken our bond. So far, we're making it work. Laughter serves as the ‘Neosporin’ along the way.


All Relationships are work, and oh *Ru Paul Voice* You Betta Work! The people we love are powerful mirrors into the deepest parts of ourselves that we may ignore or have forgotten. There will be things about you that you'll see in your mate that infuriates you, amazes you and/or teaches you. They are all a part of learning to fully love each other and ourselves. I used to think I was God’s Gift to relationships because I gave advice to struggling loved ones. Real love will smash that delusion real quick! *News Flash* - It’s a partnership and we are only as great as the positivity we create on a daily basis. That's the gift we need to cash in on. To spread light and joy as much as we can. We can only hope the good we do to return to us and enrich our lives in all areas. When we let go of pain and animosity, blessings have room to bloom in our relationships.


We need to ‘pack light’ for the never-ending journey ahead. I have learned so much about myself thanks to the commitment I made to my partner. There will definitely be more trials to come, but, I believe we can take it on together. Lastly, for those that don't regard same sex relationships as "bonafide" commitments, look past the gender and uncover the common denominator that is LOVE.




With an Open Heart,


Rhonda

Loving The One's You're With

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I don't know which woman coined the phrase, but, I sure would like to shake the gal's hand. Because, boy oh boy is there truth in that question!

Whether you're hooking up or settling down, more often than not, there's a lover looming in the background. In a city where the span of a relationship can sometimes fall shorter than a seasonal trend, or, drag out longer than this season's Housewives of New Jersey, trying to find a happy balance is no easy feat.

When you finally find Mr. Now, how do you make it last? More importantly, how do you know if it's even worth lasting? Questions most of us find ourselves asking when we're already knee-deep in like/love. By that time, it's nearly impossible to differentiate thoughts from the heart with thoughts from the head.

Take Tionna Smalls. So fluent in the language of love, she gets paid an impressive amount of coin to write about women finding their own Mr. Right. She believes that no man has no worth if you've yet to discover your own. If you're a brilliant and brassy broad like Portia "CocoDivalicious", then you're sure that your lover must discover you -flaws and all, from the very inception of love's blossoming. So help you God if your partners resemble my casualties, any way, shape, or form. Gaga's like me are so wrapped up in our lives, our adventures, our self-discovery tours, tending to relationships we've already established (family, friends, co-workers, probation officers, etc.), hooking up or settling down is way off our radar.

Your lover, your live-in, your, partner, your guy, your crush. There's so many different varieties to like/lust/sex/love that we'd be crazy not to feature the topic on She's So New York. Expect to find women on our upcoming website to be real and honest about who they love and how they love them. In the end, it's about learning how to truly grow and benefit from the love of another, while giving the best parts of you, while keeping that most precious part to yourself. If you can find a way to relate and love with another, then, relationships are lovely.

***Are you currently involved in a long distance relationship? Are you a person with a live-in lover who's got something to say? Have you moved to a different state to be with the one you love? Write to us and let us know your story! ShesSoNewYork.com (late-summer 2010)... Striving To Inform And Inspire, Just By Being Here: walkergordonproductions@gmail.com***


Tamela J. Gordon

Tales From A Wife: Living and Loving

(Almost) Every girl/guy dreams of the day he/she's going to get married, have kids, and, live happily ever after. I wished for it, but NEVER thought it would come true. Fast forward to married me, mother of two and here I am!

At their best, relationships - no matter the level of seriousness, should motivate you to become your best woman. Women are like snowflakes. We all come w/ our own different set of needs and expectations. However, there are a few attributes that ALL women can agree they look for in their potential lover. We want him to be attentive, communicative, and understanding to all the sensitivities and hormonal imbalances that have become the gift and the curse of our womanhood.

Now that She's So New York is heading into our relationships week, I've decided to share a few tips that can help you get the most out of the chemistry you share with your lover. So, whether it's short-term, live-in, long distance, or waiting for gay marriage to FINALLY be legal, here's a few need-to-knows that will enhance what you already have!

1. Be each other's friends as well as lovers: You've heard this before right? But how many of us actually understand what this rule entails? You and your mate should be able to spend a reasonable amount of time together, one-on-one. No cells, no friends, no bullshit. Just the two of you. If you can't laugh together, talk about any and everything, be silly, then, is it even worth it?.

2. Respect each other's space: One of the best things about a secure relationship, is doing completely different things and never forgetting about each other. I respect my husband's need for video games and sports, while he knows I live for She's So New York. If your lover wants to do something without you, as long as it is within the boundaries and respect of the relationship, by all means, LET THEM. Stifling a person can drain a relationship and therefore leave a person itching to run for the border. Space doesn't mean lack of love or like for you, but rather away to keep it fresh.

3. RESPECT EACH OTHER!!: While we're on the subject of respecting. I have tirelessly heard thousands of stories, all with the same scenario: a partner does something (that they themselves would hate happen to them) to their significant other and refuses totake responsibility for their actions. We have to take consideration for each other's feelings, think before we act and do things we may regret later. Before doing something questionable, ask yourself: "How would I feel if he/she did this to me?" If you can be honest with yourself and say that you would feel less than stellar, DON'T DO IT. You can't ask for respect, if you're not willing to give respect.

4. Communicate, even when you don't want to: No conversation is too little - even the most minuscule of things should be communicated with each other. Never assume, it is always important to talk to your mate when you are unsure of something. Lack of communication is the #1 killer of all relationships, aside from lack of honesty and infidelity. It is a personal theory of mine that not speaking to one another is the springboard for the most unnecessary of damaging things to arelationship: cheating. Be honest with yourself and with your partner.Discuss things in depth, and DON'T ARGUE!

5. Know who you are, it might save you some trouble later: All too often, I see many people in dead-end relationships. You know them: the ones who are utterly unhappy, dread speaking/seeing/knowing this person, yet stay. Fear of loneliness and the unknown has been the notorious reason for these couples who hate each other, but hate the idea of being without each other. Like the song goes, you gotta know when to fold em. Had I listened to this same advice years ago, I would've saved myself a whole lot of pain and anguish. You have to know who you are, what you want, what you don't want. While all relationships require a little bit of compromise, you have to know what you're not willing to accept. Dead end relationships keep you from the one you're destined to be with (if you believe in that sort of thing), and most importantly, keep you from being your best self. Stop compromising your happiness, leave when you've exhausted all options.

Have I missed anything? Do you agree/disagree? Do YOU believe that a successful drama free relationship can exist in the Big Apple? Why/Why Not? Leave your comments here and share your own experiences with us! Send your entries to walkergordonproductions@gmail.com!

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Relationships Week!

It's All About Relationships next week! We're asking people all around NYC: Is it possible to have a successful drama free relationship in the Big Apple?

We'll be featuring interviews from Essence writer and the woman behind "A Belle in Brooklyn," Demetria Lucas and writer of "Girl Get Your Mind Right," and star of "What Chilli Wants," Tionna Smalls! We'll also feature entries from YOU! Share with us your take on relationships in the Big Apple! All entries should be sent to: mailto:walkergordonproductions@gmail.com We'll be traveling all throughout the 5 boroughs to get the inside scoop. Will we be seeing YOU?

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Men Vs. Madness: Insert Hearts, Roses, And Other Sweet Shit Here

The decisions and confusion that take over whenever I meet a man I like. How much do I tell? And, how much can I leave out? It’s like an ex-con being interviewed for a corporate job. I don’t dare say a word. That would be a simple sabotage. Once it’s out there, there’s no taking it back. That’s the person they’ll always see. Even when that person is miles away from who I’ve become. I don’t want to ruin it. I want the man. But, I don’t want to have to tip toe around any secrets.

One of the pleasures I got from living in a small town was, everyone knowing everything there was to know about me, whether I liked it or not. No secrets. Now, I’m in this big, crazy ass city and it’s like, nobody knows my name. I’m a blank page with nice tits.

I don’t even know who I am when I’m on a date. I get distant and awkward, like I don’t want to be there. Or worse, I turn into a real Negative Nancy and critique his every move. By the end of the evening, I’ve chopped him down to size and, he can’t get me home soon enough.

I’ve been doing this for years. For YEARS. I’m twenty-eight now. I don’t want to be doing this at thirty-eight.

Which leads me back to my madness. I think it’s always been easier for me to go through men like sweat socks - without either of us ever getting a real feel of who the other is, than sticking it out with one worthy guy and letting him see who I really am. I don’t know if I’m ready to invite someone into my world. A world filled with indecisiveness and mood swings. Spontaneous behavior and “heightened” sensitivity.

I don’t know how loud I’m ready to announce that I’m afflicted with mental illness. I don’t like how it sounds out loud. "I went through depression throughout my teens, but I’ve dealt with that and put it behind me.” I read that script. It didn’t work. People ask. Men ask. The want to know what “made” me like that. Then, they go into their story’s about when they were sad. Nine out of ten times, it can’t hold a candle to the shit I’ve been through. But I listen and I nod, and I tell them, “That’s heavy”. And then I think to myself, Why didn’t I just stay in tonight?

Because, that’s what happens when I tell a guy I’m dating about my relationship with depression. Not the first date either. I’m talking many outings down the road. They find out, and they want to fix me. They want to make me “better”. And when they can’t, they bail. They’re like, “Why bother? She’s broken.” I’m aware of how heinous that is to dismiss someone for something they can’t control, so I’m all-too-happy when lame-o’s stop calling and texting.

I think about how important it’s going to be to convince Future Lover that I’m in stable condition. Even though depression is a disease that warrants minimal levels of concern, love, and a listening ear, it doesn’t have to hinder a relationship. Then, I think about how I need to convince that to myself.
Ahh, the decisions and confusion that takes over whenever I meet a man I like!

Tamela

Be sure to check out Tami's blog at Baby, Beat Those Blues