Every week, She's So New York asks a series of questions on a wide range of topics including race relations, sex, finance, politics, entertainment, relationships, and more. The weekly panel consists of opinions from single and married gay/straight men and women who are willing to give their unabashed opinions.
Today they're answering the Question:
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"What is the current state of relationships in 2010? Have we lost the tools to having successful relationships? Who/What is to blame? What can we do to change it?"
The other day I was at home watching Fatal Attraction, the 1987 movie starring Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in which Douglas plays a lawyer who cheats on his wife while she's away for the weekend. The major problem is, he cheats on her with the craziest woman (Glenn Close) on the planet who goes on this mission to make herself #1 in his life by any means necessary (boiled rabbit and all).
I was 5 yrs old in 1987. That was a generation ago - practically 2 generations ago, and the dynamics of relationships between men and women have not changed at all. The world around us has changed drastically, but the nature of the sexes hasn't. If Fatal Attraction had been made in 2010, the idea of him trying to solve this problem without his wife knowing for 3 quarters of the movie would be nonsense. Everyone knows his wife would've learned about his cheating within the first 10 minutes of the movie via facebook, twitter, or any other social networking site where cheaters are dumb enough to get caught on. THAT's what has changed: access to info - but the nature of us as a people hasn't.
People have been cheating for years, and have been doing their best to get away with it. Back in biblical times, you'd have to ride a horse or camel for 2 days for your next rendevous with a whore from a brothel. But even before the aspect of cheating, its always been the idea of men and women putting their best foot forward in the relationship when they 1st meet each other, only to have the truth be revealed months or years later. Some people swear up and down that they don't lie about their likes and dislikes and what ground rules are made in a relationship. But I tend to disagree.
If someone wasn't lying or omitting from the start, then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high, and there wouldn't be a need for match.com or the police. I mean hey, which guy is gonna come out on the 1st date and say "Yea I hit chicks from time to time, but only if I think they derserve it". Lies and omission is all apart of the games people play, whether when they 1st meet someone or in long term relationships. Personally I feel women have lying encoded in their DNA, and the art of omission has been passed down through the years.
Why are they so good at it?! If a man could lie like a woman, you'll have a nuclear weapon. Women lie about sex partners, sex acts, money, age, and guys friends. I honestly don't know what to believe when it comes most women. Let's be clear: I do blame men for most the downfall of relationships( due to default by stupidity and sloppiness). But the skeletons that women pack up and leave with in a relationship is truly ridiculous.
All in all, it's simple: If I like you, and I trust you, I'll open up to you and give all that I have. Just PLEASE don't fuck it up, because I will use all of these vehicles to ruin your life. I bet you wish they were still boiling rabbit huh Tiger?Who He Is: Cedric Banton, a 28 year old single father, LIU Graduate and paramedic from Brooklyn, New York
She Says:
In my opinion, everyone wants to be in a relationship. Humans need contact. If we could take an anonymous poll of what people really want, I think they may admit a return to the 1950's-- don't take away the strides women have made, but a return to the basic relationship structure that provided security. But in 2010, we feel like we have to play it cool, like nothing bothers us and we're fine with friends with benefits. There are two extremes I've noticed from my "people studies" -- there's the casual sex/friend with benefits or there are so many people deciding to be celibate and then complain about it incessantly while projecting a holier than thou attitude for being celibate (and not always by choice). As a result of so many people choosing celibacy, people who are comfortable and thrive in open-relationships are vilified.
They Say:
There are plenty of readers who disagree and are looking for an answer or something or someone to blame for such cynical thinking. Here‘s an excerpt of the conversation we had while writing this article to shed some light and insight.
X.D.: The reason why people don’t think they work, in terms of dating in New York, I believe has a lot to do with the idea of relevance. New York is a fast paced and trends driven society where things come and go so quickly that most people have incorporated this mind set into their intimate relationships. People need to understand that one cannot expect things to change if they don’t!
Archer: I think the media has a lot to do with the lack of successful relationships. Many of these “looking for love” reality shows and faux celebrity couplings for publicity purposes have impacted our society in such a way that people treat relationships as if it for the camera.
X.D.: It’s about how you measure success, too. Some people measure it by the amount of orgasms they have in a night. sips tea
Archer: Serial dating is a part of it as well. Some people cast their net out so far that they don’t give any person enough of themselves to get a firm grasp of their compatibility. Thus leaving them where they started, alone.
X.D.: A lot of people are stuck in the past, you know? How can you work on the future when you keep looking back? Let go!
Archer: Yes, baggage will hold you down. Some people don’t even have a past but the unknown terrifies them. You know what they say, fear and hurt breeds hate and resentment.
X. D.: AMEN!
Archer: The solution is following one’s instinct and not some blueprint that society has packaged for mass consumption. Stop attempting to model your relationship after Will and Jada’s, Angelina and Brad’s even your mom and dad’s. No two people are the same therefore no relationship is the same. Be willing to get hurt. These are cliché but they make sense; the bigger the risk the bigger the reward or lose, live life for today, hope for the best and prepare for the worst, hope for everything and expect nothing. Incorporate these into your lifestyle and you will live a more stress free life.
She Says:
As a happily married woman, obviously I believe that successful relationships do exist in 2010. BUT let me make this clear: Relationships and their success rate depend entirely on the people in them and if they WANT to make it work. Everyone has heard the saying "If someone wants to be with you, nothing and no one can stop them from being there." And its true!
I have had my fair share of AWFUL relationships but what I learned by watching my mistakes and the people around me is that we've lost the fundamentals: dating, chivarly, tradition - you name it, most people don't know it or don't believe its necessary to have.These days its customary to have a bed buddy more than it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and if you do know someone in a relationship, chances are you hear more drama than love making! Of course we know that baggage, trust issues, self esteem issues all hinder relationships from taking the next step. But for a relationship to thrive, I think its important to know yourself within, man or woman. Be clear about the things you want for yourself, and never sell yourself short that you'd rather be unhappy with someone than happy all by your damn self.Essentially, we all share the same issues.
I don't think its enough to blame one sex over the other for the lack of successful unions. While one person can make or break a relationship, the most important thing to remember is that it takes TWO people to make it work - no one person should do more than the other in order for you two to survive. Keep your friends out of your business, communicate and BE FRIENDS with your mate as well as lovers. Build and dream together. PRAY!
The Panel has spoken! But what do YOU think? Have a question you want the panel to answer? Send your questions to besonewyork@gmail.com!
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