Abigail Ekue: Casual Sex Is Still Dead

Abigail Ekue is the ultimate New York woman. Born and Bred, she is the writer behind the blog Random Musings and author behind "The Darker Side of Lust (seen right), has a B.S. in Sports Sciences and is a certified Athletic Trainer.  She uses that knowledge and her clinical experience in her non fiction portfolio, that consists of work focusing on health, fitness and nutrition, food writing, restaurant reviews and profiles, personal essays and social commentaries. Her articles have been featured both in-print and online in AM New York, Afro Times, City Scoops Magazine, Livestrong.com, AskMen.com, to name a few.
This UrbanErotika poet gladly gives us her opinion on casual sex, and her downright refusal of its existence as an older, wiser woman, living in NYC:



Nowadays when I have sex, I do a lot of thinking afterwards. I’ve come to realize it’s a sign of growth. Early on in my sexual life, I had an on-to-the-next-one mentality. I rarely looked back. The sex itself was the beginning and the end of the experience with that person. If I had hooked up with a friend, we remained friends but that didn’t mean we remained sexual partners.

Last year, I wrote The Death of Casual Sex and yes, it’s still dead. The older something gets the deader it gets; makes sense, no? Let me explain.

I now know the reason I became so aware that casual sex was dead…I’m getting older. And the people I deal with are getting older too. As you get older sex becomes more about connection instead of strictly play or learning, and the older you get the more aware of the consequences you become. Sex becomes more about quality instead of quantity. Hitting the 60-man mark is not a necessity. Sex is a connection. There’s a reason depressed people act out sexually (promiscuity) or retreat completely from sex; the connection or lack thereof. Think about why people have rebound sex. They’re hurting from a relationship that’s over. Flings are short-lived intense sexual and emotional connections on fast-forward. Enjoy your jelly bracelets, lipstick parties or whatever the latest sexual fad is, kiddies. It won’t last.
And then there were two…

A “platonic” friend that you have sex with occasionally or a lover you have an intense sexual bond with but the friendship is fuzzy at best—who would you choose? Can either develop into something more?

See, wanting more means you’re not in the realm of casual. That’s where I am. I don’t give ultimatums. I think, state how I feel, listen to their feeling and thoughts on the situation and then make a decision. And I’m sure if the sexual relationship ends with both men, I won’t go running to next dude. A few years ago, that would’ve been my course of action.

Who has the energy for casual sex? It’s more work to keep things casual than to just let your emotions take their natural course. You can be in a relationship and then casually do it in the kitchen sometimes, you know what I mean? But seriously, the last really great lover I had was 3 years ago; it had a 5-day a week consistency, full of experimentation and the basics, we mastered each other’s bodies. He was also quite a bit older than me. Since then, I’m sure the level of dissatisfaction I felt wasn’t due to do with the sex I was having but with the lack of connection. The lines between casual and serious started to blur and that’s not what I wanted. It didn’t end well. He was pissed. I was pissed at the 30+ phone calls that night. I was pissed at the forged emails. I was pissed at the bus stop harassment. But I’m not pissed at why he was pissed. He shared with me and we created a bond. It’s hard to be casual. So no, I’m not pissed he was hurt, but I am pissed at myself for not sharing what I shared with him with someone who wasn’t casual.

Read More at Random Musings, and become a fan today!

If It Isn't Easy Getting It In, Perhaps It's Time To Act Out

We're constantly being  reminded of how much men love the whole role playing bit. They don't want to just bone their girlfriends, they want to bone characters. The only thing that gets a guy off more than cheating, is getting the chance to get it on with his girl, who's pretending to be another girl.

It might be hard, initially, to bring up the idea of role-playing in the bedroom. However, if you're close enough to your love to get naked and sweaty with him, then, you should be close enough to tell him how you might like it. Once you get him on board, throw around a multitude of scenarios and see which one you both lean towards. Once you've agreed on who you'll be, explain the aspects you like about whatever scenario you're about to act out. Obviously, sex is rarely sexy when it's planned, so, I suggest leaving the exact moment you want to do it unspecified, simply saying you'll do it, "when the time's right."

If there's to be one main critique of this piece from a feminist point of view, it would be due to the submissive characters I suggest gals and gays to try. Well, allow me to remind the fem's that fantasies are almost always a reflection of what we ache for in real life. Wimps want to be tough guys. (Most) Obese people dream of being thin. We're women. That means that the bulk of our time goes towards being our most powerful and nurturing selves. We make it our business to be on top of everything and everyone, all the time. So, it should come as no surprise that, between the sheets, we get our rocks off when our boy-toys tell us why we've been bad, for a change!

While Spike TV, Vivid Video, Hustler, and other men mags give great visual on how one can don herself as a milk maid, or a slutty Catholic school girl, they do little to explain how to bring the visual to life. As a former-fornicator, yet, fiend for a vicariously good romp, I've compiled a list of easily accessible role-playing situations which will definitely keep the sexy between you and your lover. And if they don't work for you... who told you to take sex advice from the celibate, single chick?

The Strangers
Accessories: None
Location: Living Room
Hands down, the easiest scenario to act out on the list. Pretend it's a public place that's practically empty. Maybe a park bench, or a library. You sit there, sexy and unexpecting. Lover asks if, "this seat's taken?" You respond no. When he sits down, slide as close to him as possible. Ask him what his name is. When he introduces himself, give him a fake name that you've always wished was your real one. Lean into the nape of the neck and ask what cologne he's wearing, while you drag the tip of your tongue around his neck. Then, take him by the hair, give him a good look in the eyes and, slide your tongue down his throat. After a quick nibble on his lower lip, tell him you want to get to know him!

*optional: For that extra edge, mid-romp, make sure to yell out, "What's your name again?!" 

The Hooker And The Cop
Accessories: hand cuffs, short-shorts/mini-skirt, the sluttiest top you've got in your closet. 
Location: A hallway
Pretend you're in an alley. Your guy is an undercover who's been watching you for a long time. He sternly grabs you by the arm and asks you what you're doing in that area so late at night. You tell him to fuck off. He pushes you against the wall, making sure his business is pressing against you. He leans in close and asks, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you downtown right now?" Thrust your body into his business until it drives you crazy. Then tell him, "Lock me up and throw away the key! What do I care?" This is when he cuffs you. Once he's got it properly adjusted (make sure it isn't on too tight), tell him that you're having second thoughts and you don't want to go to jail. If he's really into character, then he'll as you what you're going to do to make him change his mind. This is when you get down on your knees - still cuffed, and blow his mind!

The Naughty School Girl And The Principal
Accessories: plaid mini-skirt, knee-highs (white, or red), black pumps, tight white blouse, pig tails
Location: Any room
Principal Ten Inch has called you into his office because once again, you missed P.E. Even though you give him your best sad puppy look, he's still ready to call up your parents, phone-in-hand. You walk over to him. Put the phone back in the cradle, and sit in his lap. Wrap your arms around him and beg him to please not call your parents. Tell him that, starting from that moment, you're going to be a very, very good girl. Tell him that you'll do anything he asks of you. And then, stick to your word!

The Housewife And The Burglar
Accessories: knee-length robe, pumps (any color), red lipstick, ski mask, water gun
Location: the kitchen
Obviously, you don't want to try this scenario on Thanksgiving Eve, while you and lover are staying with the in-laws. Still, when the kids are off to wherever, and you two lovebirds are the only ones home for a good while, the kitchen is most ideal for trying something new!

While you're in the kitchen doing dishes, you hear foot prints behind you. As you turn around, Lover's standing in front of you in all black, including his ski mask. He asks you where you keep the jewels and you tell him that there are none. He goes to the freezer and pulls out a brown paper bag. You start whining and pleading, begging him not to steal your jewels! That's when you drop your robe, revealing that you're completely naked. Tell him that, "What I'm working with is a lot more valuable than what you've got in that brown paper bag."

Who's The Boss?
Accessories: blindfold, ice cubes, whip cream/Kool Whip, *cherries, handcuffs
Location: the bedroom
This is my favorite, by far. Even though it isn't role playing, it's a great way for you and your love to get close while experimenting. Experimentation always leadts to the discovery of an act you didn't know you had in you. Also, it gives you the chance to completely dominate over your partner, and teach each other exactly what you like and dislike.

You're both completely naked, in bed. You sit on top, cuff one of his hands to the bed post (or rail), and blindfold him. Tell him that you're going to start off hot, and then cold. Take his un-cuffed hand and place it between your petunia. Take his middle finger and rub it against your clitoris to your liking. Then, tell him that that's how you like it. Now he knows!

Next, take one of the cherries and rub it against your lips before eating it. Then, press your lips against his and give him a few soft kisses. Ask him what you taste like. Then, put some whip cream/Kool Whip on your finger, then put it in his mouth. Take a little more, and dabble it over your breasts, then, have him lick it off.

Now, you're ready to move on to cold. Take one of the ice cubes and drag it around his body. Do it slowly. Start from the neck and work your way down. The ice cube will start dripping quickly, because of all the body heat. So, be sure to have napkins or a small towel on standby. When you're done with that, un-cuff his hand and let him rip off the blindfold.

*If you don't like cherries, then substitute with marshmellows, or chocolate chips. However, be cautious with the chips, because chocolate melts quickly once it's touched with body temperature.


Tamela J. Gordon

What She Says: Kitty Graves on S-E-X

After a 31 year residency tainted by the struggle of growing up in a drug-addicted household on the outskirts of Coney Island, Brooklyn, Kitty Graves has decided it’s time to Break up with Brooklyn. By way of her hardships, it has become increasingly difficult for her to see home for the opportunity it offers. Despite the despair and resentment she holds towards her bitter-borough, there's a piece of this girl that still can't let it go.

In this post, you'll read how Graves pulled herself out of the dark trenches of sexual domination, and, how she currently believes that she can find herself in the world of NYC tantric sex!

*Her Name: Kitty Graves
*Her Age: 31
*Her Borough: Brooklyn
* Her passions: "I will never stop writing. "
*"I am so New York because New York has attitude, style and grace. New York is sexy and confident... And so am I. "




SEX: Whether we’re talking biological gender or we're really getting into the nitty gritty and breaking down the act of intercourse, simply hearing the word will stop people in their tracks. We all want it – we all like it – so why are we afraid to embrace it?


I am probably one of the more liberated females you will meet. I have found myself in various sex-scenes ranging from the simplicity of a very vanilla union of boyfriend and girlfriend to the BDSM community to both private and public Sex Parties that happen in places you’d never expect within the belly of the beast that is NYC. My next attempt at harboring the sexual energy that lives inside of me is yet to come and it is in the form of Tantric expression and movement. I’m just starting the research to become involved in the Tantric community in New York City. I’m excited to be doing so for a number of reasons. The first and most vital being self actualization and self-love; secondly, the absolute sexiest characteristics one can encompass.


Like any hot-blooded female, my thoughts do not lay strictly in the spiritual. I have a pulse - and I have needs and there’s nothing wrong with embracing those desires that lay within. I thoroughly enjoy the fact that there are a myriad things in my arsenal of sexiness to support my wants. I mean let’s be honest here, ladies. We, as women... do we know how to work it or what? There is nothing quite like the look on a partners face when we turn on that extra little something to make them know we're serious. It may be a steamy look in our eye reminiscent of the fog that sits over Manhattan on a summer morning. Or, we may pucker our shiny lips just a little more than usual. One thing that's for sure is when we are getting serious about the serious we do not play games. Woman: such a commanding presence. We hold within us the power to melt hearts and minds with a single kiss. Our bodies contain so much energy that it’s no wonder we take pleasure in treating them like temples they are. We primp by using expensive bath oils and scented lotions and we’ll put on a silky negligee to do nothing more than sit on the couch. We smell sweet – we feel soft. Without even trying, we are the picture of sexiness. We have got it going on!!


The problem is this: not enough of us actually know this and/or believe it.


I’ve struggled with self-worth issues for the better part of my life. The primary reason I found myself involved in some of the ‘darker’ forms of sexuality was undoubtedly tied to my using the act of sex itself as a coping mechanism for life’s hurdles. Through therapy and a hell of a lot of introspective thought, however, I am finally opening my eyes to the amazing, sexy, worthy woman I am and I look so forward to the future of making right decisions moving forward. Enter Tantra.


There's a hell of a lot of fun to be had out there in the sexual world – especially here in NYC. Believe me, I know ;) – Just remember to be safe and always ensure that you feel valued in your relationships. There is nothing sexier than just that, the feeling of knowing that you are the epicenter of all that is magnificent as it relates to you and your partners encounters. Embrace that sexy female energy that runs through you. It may be a shade of lipstick or a loose fitting tee-shirt that makes you feel like that powerful sex-goddess – but, whatever it is make sure you rock it and make sure you rock it like you mean it!! Be Confident . Be Beautiful. Be Sexy. Be a lady.

Want more of Kitty Graves? Check out Breaking Up With Brooklyn and follow on Twitter!

The Sexiest Day A Celibate Girl Could Ever Dream Of

I didn't stop having sex with the intention of becoming celibate. Quite the contrary, honestly.

After being involved in a a five year, long-term companionship, I decided to leave my small town on Long Island and head back to the city. Neither myself nor my companion tinkered with the idea of continuing whatever it was we had created at home. It was over, whether we wanted it to be or not.

It's important for me to stress that this man was not my boyfriend. He wasn't someone I'd call with good or bad news. However, he was a man in my life who proved his consistency was relevant. He was a man that had put in the time of knowing my in's and out's. He knew how to get my rocks off, without breaking a sweat. He knew when my cycle was late, or, right around the corner. He was a man in my life, whatever label I had slapped on him that month. Needless to say, parting ways was no easy task. Initially, I was more broken hearted at the realization that he was no longer the guy to call, than I was at the fact that we'd no longer be having sex.

With that, I arrived to Manhattan in true Aries-ramesque style. No money. No job. No mens. The first two needs came hand-in-hand, following each other with rapid secession. The last need, however, wasn't a need at all. Though I had definitely missed that intimate attention from a man, I never thought twice about hitting the social scene and drumming up a sex-mate. And, the busier I got, the weaker my craving for the opposite sex became.

By the third month into my 'dick drought' (as my darling gays refer to my sexual hiatus), I realized I was on to something. I had spent the last five years being so consumed with having sex with my Mr. Now, I never stopped to wonder what all that sex was doing to me! Without ever realizing it, I had come to depend on sex as a way to verify my attractiveness, feel sexy, and - thanks to my enabling companion, call off the search for a real relationship and settle for something purely physical.

After realizing how much I betrayed my heart and my vag in exchange for frisky behavior I will never live down, I decided that it was time to give celibacy an earnest go.

Four months into it, and I was dry humping walls. I started to fear that if I went too long without the big S, I might lose my sexy swag for life! On the eve of Valentine's Day, and in the midst of a horrid quarter-life breakdown, I joined eHarmony.com. What. A. Mistake. Instead of filling my Valentine's Day void, I was instead bombarded with emails from 30something men who were light years away from my type.

Month five and I was still dry humping the walls. But, I had learned a thing or two about myself. For starters, there are a plethora of different ways to feel sexy without having sex. Actually, I should have never adapted the theory that sex is a requirement for feeling sexy.

Also, with a new job, new friends, and a new respect for fashion, I found that there are a lot of things to be a part of, besides being in the business of giving out my lady business to men. Not only did I begin producing some of my best literary pieces, but, I mustered up the courage to start getting it published. People weren't just reading my work, they were digging it! Many were pieces that I wouldn't have had the energy or motivation to produce, if I was involved with a lover.

It was during this month that I discovered Abiola Abrams Kiss and Tell Revue. A once-monthly showcase of writers, singers, dancers, comics, and other creators, who gather and share their works, all in the name of lust. I've been a fan of Abiola since watching play the role of herself, Sweet-Girl-From-NYC-Looking-For-Love on Vh1's Tough Love. Bored and, Sex And The City'd-out, I decided to write and submit a piece, written specifically for Kiss and Tell. I'll be damned if Abiola didn't like it! She thanked me very much and put me on as a "virgin" reader for the June 15th showcase.

Fast forward to today, and you have before you a woman who has stepped into the shell of a person she was eight months ago. As I prepare myself for tonight's performance, and Portia and I continue to celebrate Sex Week here at She's So New York, I feel as though it's all come full circle for me. I will continue on the road to celibacy until I meet a man worth breaking it. Until then, I'm going to celebrate sex by surrounding myself with literary whores and living vicariously through your stories... so, keep them coming!!!


Tamela J. Gordon

For those who are unable to attend this evening's Kiss and Tell Revue at 94 West Houston Street at the Madame X Lounge, we will be broadcasting most of the show tomorrow on our site. You can also see clips of other shows, as well as more information about the Revue and Abiola Abrams on our blog, below.

Friends With Benefits Relationships! NSA Sex Buddies, Booty Calls or Not?

In celebration of Sex Week here at She's So New York, we present SSNY woman, and the brains behind "Abiola's Kiss and Tell Live Revue," Abiola Abrams and her take on "Friends With Benefits," Check it out!



Agree/Disagree? Let us know! Send your entries to walkergordonproductions@gmail.com!

Where You Need To Be: Abiola's Kiss and Tell Live Revue

In celebration (and excitement) for our very own SSNY Co-founder Tamela J. Gordon's debut at Abiola Abrams' monthly Kiss and Tell Live Revue performance this evening, we thought we'd give you additional insight on Kiss and Tell as well as an inside look to the woman behind the New York reading series: Abiola Abrams!

Some of you may remember her from Season 1 of VH1's hit show, "Tough Love," but Ms. Abrams is a media personality, author & columnist, with her successful Abiola TV, as well as the Live Revue, which debuted in 2009. "Abiola's Kiss & Tell Live Revue" is a monthly storytelling & performance series that combines love, sex and comedy with the brightest talents in the worlds of literature, media and sexuality. The reading series is curated and hosted by Abrams and features writers and entertainers ranging from New York Times bestselling authors, feminist scholars and top bloggers to burlesque performers, erotic poets and sexperts. The outrageously fun and often bawdy series takes place at Madame X in NYC on the 3rd Tuesday of every month with free audience giveaways and cheap champagne cocktails.



Madame X is located on 94 West Houston Street between LaGuardia and Thompson Street. With the event on the 2nd floor. Doors open at 7pm, and the ladies take the stage at 7:30pm.

Come out and support our fellow SSNY ladies as they grace the stage! Besides $5 Kiss and Tell Champagne cocktails, there will also be a lip gloss bar sponsored by FSL Cosmetics and Kimberly Riley and free tarot card readings sponsored by Yolanda "Shoshi" Shoshana.

For more information, check out Kiss and Tell Live Revue!

We hope to see you there!

Twitter speaks: S-E-X

This week, we will be featuring quotes from our readers who answer our question of the week:
What does sex mean to you?



"Sex should be fun, IMO. Sex is beautiful w/someone you love, but sex and love doesn't always have to go together. "
@jillzWorth


"Not a damn thang.i dont get it enuff...nearly at all..nor is it eva sooo good..i'd call my momma and give details! (9_9) smh! "
@MisChief7


"Sex means to me.....let down your guard and be free with the one U LOVE"
@iveriani


"Depends on the nature of the relationship... if its a comitted relationship then its reflection of love between 2 people... if its casual?? well then... its a sexual frustration reliever... sorry but lets be real!"
@lyrical_jo

 Are you following us on twitter? What's your take? Send us your thoughts on S-E-X in the NYC! www.twitter.com/SheSoNewYork

Let's Talk About Sex!

As much fun as we're having with Singles Week, Portia and I are getting overwhelmed with your enthusiasm for next week's issue: SEX, baby!

Top chef's with aphrodisiac-infused dishes, tips on how to be a better lover, stories from real women about what sex means to them, inside the world of a modern, brown, burlesque dancer, and finally, my performance (first in years) in the erotic Kiss and Tell Revue, hosted by Abiola Abrams (writer, host, fabulous)! Kiss and Tell is a tres chic event at the Madame X on Houston, filled with dancers, singers, writers, and other freaks, performing in the name of lust!

For all the hopefuls submitting essay's, commentary, blogs, and other works, please take a moment and go over our guidelines:


- Regardless of what kind of piece you're submitting, we will always need the same information.
               *name
               *age
               *location
               *why are you so New York
               *what's your passion *Post Script* Try to be specific!
               *picture

-Try to keep it within 650 words.

- Don't get filthy! Yes, this is about sex, but, it doesn't have to be so dirty it's going to scare off my mother! Whether you write about what sex means to you personally, or your favorite time, or, why you haven't had it in ages... it doesn't just have to be about smacking thighs.

Other than that, feel free to go wild!

All submissions should be sent to walkergordonproductions@gmail.com

Portia and I look forward to the week that lies ahead and look forward to your responses to our weekly topic!

Tamela J. Gordon