I didn't stop having sex with the intention of becoming celibate. Quite the contrary, honestly.
After being involved in a a five year, long-term companionship, I decided to leave my small town on Long Island and head back to the city. Neither myself nor my companion tinkered with the idea of continuing whatever it was we had created at home. It was over, whether we wanted it to be or not.
It's important for me to stress that this man was not my boyfriend. He wasn't someone I'd call with good or bad news. However, he was a man in my life who proved his consistency was relevant. He was a man that had put in the time of knowing my in's and out's. He knew how to get my rocks off, without breaking a sweat. He knew when my cycle was late, or, right around the corner. He was a man in my life, whatever label I had slapped on him that month. Needless to say, parting ways was no easy task. Initially, I was more broken hearted at the realization that he was no longer the guy to call, than I was at the fact that we'd no longer be having sex.
With that, I arrived to Manhattan in true Aries-ramesque style. No money. No job. No mens. The first two needs came hand-in-hand, following each other with rapid secession. The last need, however, wasn't a need at all. Though I had definitely missed that intimate attention from a man, I never thought twice about hitting the social scene and drumming up a sex-mate. And, the busier I got, the weaker my craving for the opposite sex became.
By the third month into my 'dick drought' (as my darling gays refer to my sexual hiatus), I realized I was on to something. I had spent the last five years being so consumed with having sex with my Mr. Now, I never stopped to wonder what all that sex was doing to me! Without ever realizing it, I had come to depend on sex as a way to verify my attractiveness, feel sexy, and - thanks to my enabling companion, call off the search for a real relationship and settle for something purely physical.
After realizing how much I betrayed my heart and my vag in exchange for frisky behavior I will never live down, I decided that it was time to give celibacy an earnest go.
Four months into it, and I was dry humping walls. I started to fear that if I went too long without the big S, I might lose my sexy swag for life! On the eve of Valentine's Day, and in the midst of a horrid quarter-life breakdown, I joined eHarmony.com. What. A. Mistake. Instead of filling my Valentine's Day void, I was instead bombarded with emails from 30something men who were light years away from my type.
Month five and I was still dry humping the walls. But, I had learned a thing or two about myself. For starters, there are a plethora of different ways to feel sexy without having sex. Actually, I should have never adapted the theory that sex is a requirement for feeling sexy.
Also, with a new job, new friends, and a new respect for fashion, I found that there are a lot of things to be a part of, besides being in the business of giving out my lady business to men. Not only did I begin producing some of my best literary pieces, but, I mustered up the courage to start getting it published. People weren't just reading my work, they were digging it! Many were pieces that I wouldn't have had the energy or motivation to produce, if I was involved with a lover.
It was during this month that I discovered Abiola Abrams Kiss and Tell Revue. A once-monthly showcase of writers, singers, dancers, comics, and other creators, who gather and share their works, all in the name of lust. I've been a fan of Abiola since watching play the role of herself, Sweet-Girl-From-NYC-Looking-For-Love on Vh1's Tough Love. Bored and, Sex And The City'd-out, I decided to write and submit a piece, written specifically for Kiss and Tell. I'll be damned if Abiola didn't like it! She thanked me very much and put me on as a "virgin" reader for the June 15th showcase.
Fast forward to today, and you have before you a woman who has stepped into the shell of a person she was eight months ago. As I prepare myself for tonight's performance, and Portia and I continue to celebrate Sex Week here at She's So New York, I feel as though it's all come full circle for me. I will continue on the road to celibacy until I meet a man worth breaking it. Until then, I'm going to celebrate sex by surrounding myself with literary whores and living vicariously through your stories... so, keep them coming!!!
Tamela J. Gordon
For those who are unable to attend this evening's Kiss and Tell Revue at 94 West Houston Street at the Madame X Lounge, we will be broadcasting most of the show tomorrow on our site. You can also see clips of other shows, as well as more information about the Revue and Abiola Abrams on our blog, below.
