He Say/She Say: Why Do People Cheat?

The battle of the sexes is nothing new, but does marital status and sexual orientation cause us to think differently? Welcome to He Say/She Say!

Every week, She's So New York asks a series of questions on a wide range of topics including race relations, sex, finance, politics, entertainment, relationships, and more. The weekly panel consists of opinions from single and married gay/straight men and women who are willing to give their unabashed opinions.

Today they're answering the Question:

Why Do People Cheat?

Read their take and let us know what you think!

I'm not here to judge, to each's own. Do what works for you. The concept of cheating is relatively old while the term "cheating" when concerning relationship is fairly new by comparison. Why do they call it cheating? Is a relationship a game for it to be called cheating, "Am I using performance enhancing drugs on my genitals"(No need). Cheating as a term pretty much signifies loss of integrity. As painful, dangerous and costly as the act can be, people still take great pleasure in doing it. But the question is, Why? Why commit yourself verbally and socially to someone if you find yourself stepping outside of the boundaries you put yourself in?

Well I for one have found every reason and excuse one why I've cheated in my day. There's the: "I have trust issues" in which you don't know what your partner is doing, so you might as well be unfaithful too, I guess this is an attempt of having some emotional leverage in case the relationship crash and burns. There's also the "I'm not happy" in which your spouse isn't fulfilling everything that you feel is required of them,for example, lack of oral sex, starfish syndrome(for my sexually educated friends) or lack of open mindedness. The cheater would then find someone to fill that void. My favorite is the "Its not natural to be monogamous", I personally think this holds the most weight. Since we're prone to reproduce, its only natural to act on primal instinct.

There's a ratio of 7 women to one man, what would happen to all of the lonely women in the world if I don't make it my business to sleep with them? These are just a few of the reasons of why people cheat, all of which will be shot down right about....Now!! If you have trust issues, why the hell are you in a relationship?! People who have those issues should probably take more time to fix themselves trying to build a serious future with someone. Chances are you're doing more harm than good. Constantly worrying about your spouses whereabouts and action while knocking boots with your jumpoff is highly stressful. It can hinder performance.

If you're not happy with your spouse's sexual performance, or the way they treat you, then communicate. If they don't fix it, then leave. Why complicate things by bringing a third party into it. Unless its for a threesome or you're subject to the alleged philosophy of Will and Jada smith, I highly doubt your spouse would appreciate the idea of you being sexually fulfilled elsewhere.

Now as far as the "It's not natural, its primal instinct" I get that, we all have a capacity to feed our primal urges, with violence and sex. But you know what separates us from animals, because we're fucking human!! We think on a higher level, that's why we're on the top of the food chain. So we can resist the urges. Now the idea of putting all these "reasons" why people cheat is pretty much a front in my opinion.

People really cheat for one reason, which I think is the best and makes the most sense. They cheat because they want to. We all do what we want to do when it comes to pleasing ourselves, because we all have free will. To hide behind anything else is futile. You like it, you do it end of discussion. The sooner people accept that is the sooner people can take steps toward changing it or being better at doing it. *Nods head, and walks away from the mirror*

Who He Is: Cedric Banton is a 28 year old single father and paramedic from Brooklyn, New York. The SSNY staff writer holds a BA in Business Management from Long Island University.

She Says: Cheating is by all stretch of the imagination - a cowardice act. Cheating is almost like a self-inflicted gun shot wound: the repercussions of getting caught while doing something totally unnecessary is the equivalent of shooting yourself. Why bother going through CIA like missions of sneaking around when 9 times out of 10, you'll get caught? What I realized and mentioned more times than I can remember, is that people would rather do the most insanely stupid things instead of owning up to their feelings. Some people cheat out of frustration, some people cheat because they can. The latter of the two is the worst, most selfish being of all.

All relationships go through a state of euphoric bliss - the honeymoon stage if you will. We are enamored and in love with love when we first embark on relationships, and when they ultimately hit stumbling blocks along the way, many are unable to handle life's curve balls. Ultimately, cheaters should ask themselves: Do you want to be in a relationship? If so, is the relationship not headed in the direction that you have hoped it would? Have you lost communication? Has your significant other shown traits that you feel will hinder your longevity?

If you don't want to be in a relationship or tried to work out whatever issues that you feel cause you to look for solace in others, why bother being unhappy? And most importantly, why allow someone to be unhappy with you? LEAVE!  

Who She Is: Portia Walker is the Editor-in-Chief of She's So New York and co-founder of GlammSoNY PR Firm, along with Tiffany Dimanche (bka Glamm CEO) of Glamm on the Go. Portia is also a married mother of two boys.

They Say:

 

(Disclaimer: This week we wanted to do a different spin on the topic. XD will answer while Archer plays devil’s advocate.)

Archer: Can cheating be forgiven?

XD: It can be forgiven but not forgotten. It depends on the level that one has been with the person and you have commodities like children and a house or something then things should be worked out. Now if it’s someone you are dating and he or she cheats then they should forgive for him/her and forget him/her.

Archer: What if the person cheats again after the person has found out?

XD: Then you leave, they don’t respect you enough to change. It’s a habit, a routine and anything that routine is a relationship.

Archer: Why do they have to be forgiven?

XD: You have to forgive people because then you are carrying a burden that wasn’t yours to begin with. Forgiveness is freedom. You can’t be like no f you, that doesn’t make you any better and you can’t progress further.

Archer: What if you find out that the person was cheating with even more people than you had originally known about and there was a child conceived for those long term invested couples??

XD: That’s tricky that’s all depends on the couple. Yes the cheater should still be forgiven but as to whether one should stay in that relationship, that depends on that relationship.

Archer: So you’re saying that they should forgive and that be that?

XD: There needs to be a level of understanding as to why. There’s a level of inadequacy that goes along with it. Was I not good enough, am I doing things the right way. There’s a lot of questioning that comes a long with it.

Who They Are: X. D. and Archer are the driving forces behind The XDexperience. Both in their 20s who recognize that there is more to life than wallowing in life. As residents of Brooklyn, Archer and X. D. are in constant pursuit of all things positive, progressive, and, well, fabulous. Follow them both on twitter! @Archerismyname @TheXDexperience

She Says: Cheating is a power trip. An ego-stroker. An emotional high. “How much can I get away with before I get caught?”

Cheating is a bitch move by people who are not mature enough to be in a functioning relationship. Those who are considered low self-esteemers and insecure folks who always need that extra push. There are all forms of cheating. There’s fucking, texting, BBM’ing, social network chatting, phone conversations and any other form of communication that would be uncomfortable if your partner were within ear/eye shot. I applaud the ignorant fools who believe that the only form of cheating is “intimate or physical”. Emotional cheating is the most dangerous kind. Having conversations about ones inner-most feelings and desires will eventually lead to a fuck or 2. Trust me.

I used to believe that there was a real “reason” why people cheat. As I get older and deeper into the “game”, I realize that people cheat because they are greedy. If an opportunity presented itself, how many people could honestly say they wouldn’t pass it up if their partner would never find out? At one time, I thought it had something to do with things that are lacking in a relationship. People would venture outside to get what they needed. At the end of the day though, they end up back home. So if things were that bad and you had to venture out, why don’t you stay where you were at? And don’t let someone get busted. They are all sorry and apologetic… Begging for another chance and wanting to come back home. Why? That’s why I believe it’s about greed. “I already have this but… Damn, he/she is interested. Let me see if I can get that…” For some it’s a sport, a game. They do it just to see if they still have it. For others, it’s their own personal, low self-esteem situation that requires them to constantly seek attention. Those people should be ordered by law to stay single so their crap won’t have to be dealt with.

Who She Is: Tha Lady Blogga is a writer who blogs for various different websites. She takes on any topic thrown her way but specializes in music, life situations, current events and even politics. You can catch her almost daily on a rant on Twitter. And she spares no one’s feelings. She is lethal with a pen and currently completing her first book of a three book series due out on shelves late October 2010… Her posts have been published here and she is on heavy rotation on her home site http://www.themadbloggers.com/ as well as her contributing sites http://www.globalgrind.com/, http://www.dadesignatedhata.com/, and http://www.hiphopiscoolagain.com/

The Panel has spoken! Now what is YOUR take on the subject? CAN Friends with Benefits  transition into successful healthy relationships? Let us know!

Reppin Your Borough: Queens

By: Portia Walker, Editor-in-Chief

Queens.... Where do we begin on such a borough? Home to some of the greatest legends that ever lived, Queens at times is underrated. But for the lover of all things from the Q borough, you can't get enough of Jamaica Avenue, Steinway Street, Queens Center Mall, Ajax Park, Liberty Avenue - the list is endless.

Born and raised in Queens, I guess my assessment of my borough may be a tad bit biased but screw it, we're talking about the home of some of the greatest jazz musicians the world has ever seen from Louis Armstrong to Billie Holiday, that also had enough time to be the resting place for a cluster of hitmakers, directors, actors, world renowned movie studios, and fashion designers. We are talking about Queens here people!

Queens is the largest in area, the second largest in population, and the easternmost of the five boroughs of New York City. The borough is coextensive with Queens County, an administrative division of New York state, in the United States.

Located on the western portion of Long Island, Queens is home to two of the three major New York City area airports, JFK International Airport and LaGuardia Airport. It is also the location of the New York Mets baseball team, the US Open tennis tournament, Flushing Meadows Park, Kaufman Astoria Studios, Silvercup Studios, and Aqueduct Racetrack. (Thanks Wikipedia!)

I can remember spending a majority of my child hood navigating through the streets of Queens. Forest Hills (For the train savvy: 71st and Continental on the R train) can take you to a bevy of restaurants, clothing stores, and nightlife. Other places you might enjoy for ethnic fare is Sunnyside, Astoria, Bayside, Long Island City and Corona. Queens has the highest population of hispanic and Guyanese immigrants in this borough, with Jackson Heights and Liberty Avenue (yes, this ENTIRE avenue) being the home of most. 

Even if you're not from Queens, you've heard of the Colosseum Mall. With the 165th Street pedestrian mall leading up to the two floor mall at the end of the block, shoppers have a bevy of choices to choose from. Want a quick and delicious bite to eat? Be prepared to stand in line for a beef patty on 165th street as Jamaican Flavors houses the best patties known to man. Grab a slice of the greatest pizza ever at Margherita Pizza on 163rd Street.

Rappers and singers are normally a fixture at Club Amazura and the various clubs that are aligned along Jamaica Avenue, but if that's not your scene, you can easily find something to your liking on Queens Blvd. With places ranging from hookah lounges to billards, there is always something to do along these streets. Be careful though, as Queens Blvd has earned the 'nickname' "The Blvd of Death," (look it up). Others places you might like? Austin Street.

Looking for something to do with the kids? Roy Wilkins Park (also the home of the Black Spectrum Theatre) is known for hosting some events including the Universoul Circus. In the summer, you can also catch a wide array of concerts for the perfect summer night. Kings Park in Jamaica is responsible for hosting weekly summer performances for kids, courtesy of Cultural Collaborative Jamaica. The Jamaica Arts Center on Jamaica Avenue houses several kid oriented activities including arts and crafts, dance and more. Other kid friendly places? The Hall of Science, Springfield Park, Flushing Meadow Park, Queens Library, Rock-N-Skate at Rockaway Beach and more.

Did I miss something? Care to fill me and the rest of the world in? Send your facts to besonewyork@gmail.com!

Hello All!!! After a brief vacay, She's So New York is back to business! All this week we are "Reppin Your Borough!," From Brooklyn to Staten Island, we are highlighting where YOU live and what makes living in the tri-state area the place to be.

As stated on wikipedia, New York is the most populous city in the United States, and the center of the New York metropolitan area, which is one of the most populous metropolitan areas in the world. A leading global city, New York exerts a powerful influence over global commerce, finance, media, culture, art, fashion, research, education, and entertainment.

But besides the facts, we know New York as the beginning of life for the transplants who move from cities, states and countries to live in the Big Apple. We are immigrants, the sons, daughters and legacies of immigrants. This city that gives and takes, loves and hates - cultivates dreamers and believers of the American dream. If you were born and raised here, your loyalties to the city that never sleeps is everlasting, no matter where you go.

We are The Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island. No matter what language you speak or where you rest your head, everyone knows the slogan: "If you can make it here, you CAN make it anywhere!" This is New York baby, where only the strong survive.

She's So New York will be providing facts and essential borough staples, highlighting events, fashion, music, dance, art, restaurants and more! If you haven't fallen in love with New York City like we have, we'll ensure that you do once this week is over.

Are you your borough's representative? Can you give us an exclusive guide on your stomping grounds? We are looking for recommendations, pictures and more! Send us your info to besonewyork@gmail.com

My Summer, My Way

Barbecues, parties, events, trips to the beach - the summer is where it happens. What is MY summer consisting of? Kid oriented days, and (if we're lucky enough to snag a babysitter) kid-less free nights.

The summer is filled with great fashion choices, new music and movie releases, guilty pleasure television, and free events to do any day of the week. Who can beat that? Here are some of the things I plan to do, see and listen to this summer!

Portia's Guide to Summer:


Music Staples:

Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE music. It's a bit of an obsession that I have and the summer always guarantees a wide range of new music to listen to, whether up and comers or seasoned veterans. I am digging The Black Keys, the two-man duo comprising singer/guitarist Dan Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney, and their song "Next Girl."



Their bluesy folk album is a banger for those who love funkdafied grooves. The group will be playing shows in New York at the end of the month (July 27 and 28th), but unfortunately the shows are sold out! Bummer. Since we're missing it live, check out their newest album "Brothers."

Other music choices include Drake's "debut" album "Thank Me Later," the return of the illustrious Bilal Oliver with his new album "Air Tight's Revenge," Big Boi's "Sir Lucious Leftfoot: The Son of Chico Dusty," Kylie Minogue's "Aphrodite," and T.I.'s return with "King Uncaged."

She's So New York's JillzWorth and ND McCray will be giving you a taste of their music summer this week as well. Stay tuned!

Must See Movies:

Even though I have yet to read the book, I am anticipating crying my poor heart out in the movie theater while watching "Eat, Pray, Love." It's the ultimate chick flick based on the best selling memoir by author Elizabeth Gilbert. After finalizing her difficult divorce, Gilbert spent the next year traveling around the world. She spent four months in Italy, eating and enjoying life (Eat). She spent four months in India, finding her spirituality (Pray). She ended the year in Bali, Indonesia, looking for "balance" of the two and found love (Love).


The movie stars Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem and will be in theaters August 13th.

Other movies I am dying to see? I am DYING to  join the audience with at the Grease Sing A Long. I have loved this movie since I was a Broadway loving pre-teen and while everyone loved Sandy, (played by Olivia Newton-John), my favorite was the wild child Rizzo played by Stockard Channing. I fell in love with her attitude and her belting out "There are worse things I could do," a song that I know by heart (don't judge me). Add "Takers," "Despicable Me," "Salt," and "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World." to the list as well.

Books:

Whenever I get some time to myself, I love to crack open a new book and let my mind wander into fantasyland. One of the books I am dying to read? "The Carrie Diaries," by the wonderfully talented Candace Bushnell. An opportunity to learn more about the woman behind the phenomenon, Carrie Bradshaw? Yes please!

Other works of fiction/non-fiction that I can't wait to sink my teeth into: Put on Your Crown: Life- Changing Moments on the Path to Queendom by Queen Latifah, and Star Island by Carl Hiaasen.

EVENTS

There are events galore to witness and participate in throughout the summer. I plan to attend and groove out at the "Rock the Bells," concert. http://rockthebells.net/ 
With a lineup that is OUT OF THIS WORLD (seen right) why would I NOT be there?

I plan to bring a blanket and my love for Shakespeare to "Shakespeare in the Park," where Al Pacino stars in one of my favorites (and the play responsible for my name) "The Merchant of Venice." website as well as booging down at the best FREE performances in the park, SummerStage.

FASHION

Last but certainly not the least, I plan to showcase these thighs of mine in the latest summer staple: rompers. Made for all body shapes, rompers provide a chic and classic look for the dog days of summer.

Flats, and sandals are always a must in this heat. But who can resist a snazzy heel that screams "HOT"?

This week, we're premiering our latest series "The Trend Report," with our wonderful divalicious host Tiny (more on this ingenue later!) where we showcase the hottest trends hitting the streets on New York, as well as getting the scoop from our Glamm diva Tiffany, who will be covering summer fashion basics HER way this week on "Talking Glamm with the Glamm CEO!"

We have a fun filled week full of event listings, summer fashion staples, movies, music, dance and more - don't miss out!!

So now that I've let you in on MY summer, MY way, what are YOUR plans for summer? Send us your thoughts to besonewyork@gmail.com!

Portia Walker

Editor-in-Chief, She's So New York

My Independence Day

January 19, 2008: the day I signed the lease on my very first apartment. Of all the days that stand out in my mind as profound moments, the day that I received the keys to my very first place was nothing short of amazing. After sharing a bedroom with my then one year son since his birth, I was finally able to provide him a home of his own, including his own bedroom.

Me and My Beanie, The Dynamic Duo of 2008

He and I - the dynamic duo, were embarking on a new life together and no one could tell me anything. After the tedious and seemingly hopeless tasks of saving money and apartment hunting (with him bundled up in a stroller, tagging along), knowing that the wait was finally over gave me the hope I was so desperately looking for at the time. Things WERE going to get better.

It didn't matter to me that I was a single mom and my apartment was nothing to brag about. I didn't care - this was the change I needed that would ultimately save my life. I was running on empty at the time: horrible breakup with my son's father, a job that I hated but paid me well, and a less than stellar home experience; I was looking for a miracle and my small yet quaint apartment would do the trick. Of course there were lonely nights and some days I wish I had someone to share my space with.  But with the help of my mother and some friends, those days were never as bad as they could've been.

I look back on that time in my life and how it truly changed me into a woman. I learned how to take care of myself emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - and ultimately learned to be a better mother for my son and a better woman for myself. I now knew what I wanted and most importantly, what I deserved. I wasn't going to compromise my happiness for anyone anymore, it was time for me to start living. That scary first step catapulted me into adulthood and as I look around this same apartment (only now there's a husband and another baby added to the mix), I wouldn't change a thing.

Portia Walker
Editor-in-Chief, She's So New York



All this week, we will be celebrating our very own "Independence Week!" She's So New York is asking you: When was YOUR Independence Day? Did you leave a bad relationship? A dead-end job to pursue a passion? Your country/state/town for the bright lights of the Big Apple? Proudly proclaim your sexuality? - We are asking for your triumph stories! Send them to our NEW e-mail address: besonewyork@gmail.com! Remember: YOUR story may help someone rewrite their own!

To Pride Week With Love

I have always been enamoured by gay culture and its essential family structure. The extravagance of drag queens and ballrooms; the duck walks, suicide dips, "sashay chante" - I have an infatuation with it all! I add "Paris is Burning," "Stonewall Uprising," "To Wongfoo: Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar," and "Priscilla: Queen of the Dessert," to my Net-Flix list. This is clearly no one night love affair.

Growing up in a very open family, my mother never shied me away from her bevy of gay friends: men who were loud, abrasive yet charming, funny, witty, and everything "normal" men weren't - I loved them. After the death of my father, I yearned for a male in my life;  and in some weird way they were exactly what I needed. They exuded femininity more than any woman I knew but you KNEW they were men - they were strong without signs of forced or excessive masculinity. They walked the fine line at times, with some women heartbroken after realizing that their love would ultimately be un-requited. They ultimately settled with being their "hags" instead - a fair consolation prize for any homosexual loving woman. From those early experiences, I realized that gay men  - make me laugh effortlessly, check me when necessary and were my support system without question.

Lesbians for me represented the evolution of the modern day woman. "She" never looked the same: masculine, feminine - an enigma. Lesbians break the barriers of "women-oriented" roles and set a tone for what some men wish they could be. I watched female friends struggle with the barrage of "penis-envy" insults and drawn out conversations of being told to get married and have kids. A lot of lesbians DO want marriage and kids - penis not included.

In my early 20's, my entire existence was centered around my gay friends. Those were best damn days of my life. Christopher Street, Stonewall, Chi Chi's, The Warehouse, Escuelitas - I was a frequent in the gay club scene. DJ's knew me by name, the go go boys blew me kisses, and the Queens chatted me up between sets. The same with lesbian centered events. Upon meeting my first transgender friend, I instantly sympathized with the idea of feeling trapped in the wrong body. Imagine living your life in a body you feel doesn't belong to you.

These people's struggles were BEYOND any dramatic episode I ever endured.  And despite any short-comings - they manage to live as happily as they possibly can. It's absolutely admirable. Their courage intimidates hate-mongers, giving them reason to fight against them so ignorantly. With the recent surge in the mainstream media of celebs publicly outing themselves, organizing and participating in California's Proposition 8 protests and participating in the "No H8" campaign, it is slowly becoming "acceptable" to openly live an "alternative lifestyle."

Shows like "The L Word," "Queer As Folk," and "Noah's Ark," shattered the stereotypical images of homosexual living and we rejoiced in the imagery of finally being recognized as human. To see the "real" of same sex relationships and the struggle with acceptance, it gives light to the stereotype of "choosing" to be gay. These shows breathed life into the gay movement as we held viewing parties, and mourned when these shows were taken off the air, settling for whatever "gay character added to Rom com" show the networks were kind enough to give us.  Thank God for new shows like "The Real L Word," and channels like LOGO, a channel that some might call solace.

With an entire week to celebrate, we will spend this week discussing gay culture and its influence in the Big Apple. From the history of the Stonewall Riots of 1969 to the 2010 NYC Pride Parade taking place on Sunday, June 27th, She's So New York celebrates LGBT pride with our friends and family and will continue to fight for the day when same sex loving people can love as freely and as openly as possible.

For more information about Gay Pride 2010, Click here

Portia

S-E-X

Sex... While everyone may NOT be having it; they're thinking about it, defining it, and some are still trying to figure it out.

Some of us use sex as a coping mechanism, much like some use food. We've even all made the mistake a time or two, confusing sex and love, and praying that they can co-exist with one special person - usually the exact opposite occurs.

Some use sex as a measure of sensuality and inner sexuality, a means of declaring that they are what sex is supposed to be: liberating, engaging, special, sexy, wild and crazy. We can be whoever we want to be once the lights go off (or on if you're nasty!). The idea of shedding our "former" selves to indulge in our fantasies? Who doesn't love sex for those reasons? Once our clothes come back on, we are back to our normal lives, sprinkled with smiles of remembering naughty escapades. Those memories mean something to us, even when we've surpassed those parts of our lives.  
 
But what some fail to realize and much like Tamela covered - the act of sex does not determine your sexiness. Sensuality and sex may meet somewhere down the middle, but they are not in any way

related. To be a woman IS sensuality. We move with fluid-like motions effortlessly and sometimes absentmindedly, without noticing the salivating stares men and women give when they see us walk. The shapes of our bodies are like cursive letters come to life: We are poetry in motion! The real beauty in a woman doesn't come from clothes or even the sense of style itself. Its in who we are, bare naked - not at all on a physical level but on the mental and emotional. Our swagger; the way a woman can express herself with her body is magical. We captivate and intrigue men and women with pouty lips, seductive eyes, and throaty laughs; making their blood pressure (and other things) rise all without breaking a sweat.

 

Knowing this, makes sex that much more enjoyable. That self awareness, the declaration that "Yes. I AM the Shit," makes our sexual partners yearn us, need us - we are the air that they need to breathe.
 
Sex, much like living is learned. We make mistakes along the way - lots of them. But the mistakes, if we absorb them for the experiences that they are, can shape us. It can determine what we want for ourselves without second guessing and wasting time on the people who cannot give us what we're looking for. That independence is freeing. Sex in the NYC is much like sex anywhere else, but for us it's much much more.
Photo Courtesy of Khayyam Omar Photography, Model: Shaquoia T. Lanier

We will continue to cover S-E-X when the official launch of She's So New York arrives late summer. Until then, we're asking: Do you have a fetish? Are you into anything that may be considered taboo? Are you addicted to sex? Any threesome experiences? Experiences you'd like to forget? (who doesn't?) We're looking for REAL stories from the REAL women living, loving and sexing in NYC. Send your entries to walkergordonproductions@gmail.com!

Shallon Lester: So New York!

She's So New York sat down with Shallon Lester, star of MTV's new hit show, Downtown Girls. at Caliente Cab in the West Village!

While we're saving our gem of an interview for the official launch of our site (coming late summer!), here's a taste of why the Orange County transplant is sooo New York!





Be sure to check out Shallon and her fab friends taking over the Big Apple on Tuesdays at 11pm, only on MTV!

She is Tionna Smalls: A Sit Down with the Queen of the Internet

If you're anything like us, the minute she spoke, you LOVED her. If not, get yourself acquainted with the fireball that is Tionna Smalls. Author, entrepreneur, and co-star of VH1's "What Chilli Wants." The minute Ms. Smalls came in, she slowly but surely transformed Chilli (the Sexy in TLC) from a picky, manless, transitioning Georgia peach, into a ready-for-primetime-relationship woman with two (white) men to choose from, in the season finale of the hit show.

In today's day and age when women are not shown in all of our beauty and glory, Smalls continued to impress her audience with new hair styles, fashion looks, and confident swag. It's safe to say, many men and women have not been exposed to a self-assured woman of her stature. She recognizes that just by being who she is - without apology, she's motivated women of all walks of life to be who they are, without exception. She prided herself on being real at all times. Clearly, it shows.

Here's our sit down with the author of "Girl Get Your Mind Right," and get her take on the show, her book, her future plans and why she's a SSNY woman!

Who is She: Tionna Smalls, age 25

Where is She From: Brooklyn, New York

What does she do: Author of "Girl, Get Your Mind Right," Producer, Entrepreneur, TV star

**************

She's So New York: How did the opportunity come about to do the show? What made you agree to do the show?

Tionna Smalls: I already had a book and website ( http://www.talkdatish.com/) with a huge following. I wrote for Gawker (http://www.gawker.com/) who offered me a position as a column writer after becoming fans of mine as well. The same thing with the producers of the show. They thought I was perfect for working with Chilli, and I was asked to join the show as her matchmaker.

SSNY: Have you watched any of the episodes? How do you feel you're being on portrayed on tv? How do you feel about it? Do you feel that the show captures who you are?

TS: I was me the entire time. So yeah, I feel that the show showed who I really am. I pull no punches, I kept it real with Chilli and that's why I was chosen to do the show because they knew that I will be the realest. If you're phony, people will know. They can see through it, so that's why I never compromised myself. A lot of people think that in this business, you have to be a D-I-C-K rider in order to get put on. I had my own little buzz going before all of this. I came to the table already established in what I do. So when I showed up, I was me 100%. The one thing though that people don't understand is that I am not a matchmaker. I wrote a book about dating and relationships and VH1 thought that I would be a great asset to the show.

SSNY: Do you feel Chilli's friends undermined your work? How did you work around being in that environment and staying true to your mission with Chilli?

TS: I don't know how they showed it on TV sometimes, but Chilli's friends were really cool. They helped me out with the dates and stuff like that. I knew what I was there for, and that was going to get done regardless. But yeah, they were really nice people and they never interfered with me and my work.

SSNY: From our perspective, during the argument with Chili outside the restaurant, you came off as a woman defending her career and her actions. Do you regret how you approached Chili at all, and, do you regret how Chili approached you?

TS: Chilli and I never got the chance to get to know each other before the show. That's what a lot of people don't understand. Had we got to know each other, it would've been a completely different show. On top of that, all the viewers see is a half hour show, but we were there filming all day every day. It got tiring and exhausting at times. But as we went along, we learned about each other. Chilli and I are cool. She knows what time it is. We had plenty of discussions after the show where we talked, really talked. We know we got on each other nerves, etc. But we know now about each other.

SSNY: What's the greatest sacrifice you've had to make in order to get your career going?

TS: Money (laughs).. Wait let me think. (says to self) "What's the greatest sacrifice?" No, it's not money, it's my ego. You know a lot of times when you're a co-star or something, people want to make you feel like you're not "there" yet. Like you're not really that "person" yet, (saying things like,) "You don't have to do this," or "Let Chilli Do That." And it's like that wasn't really me. Me since day one, I always did my thing. I worked in group homes, a lot of things. You don't even know. I accomplished a lot. I mean, I did my damn business. But now its like you're just starting out again, but now the game is over. I mean, millions of people know me now, see me, they know how I am so that won't go on anymore.

SSNY: What were some of the thing you were apart of before "What Chilli Wants?

TS: Writing, a lot of non-profit work. Transitional centers for pregnant women - That's what I'm in to and when I get a lot of money, I am going to be opening my own non-profit. I'm very much into things like therapeutic interventions, stuff like that. That's what I do.

SSNY: Where did the idea for your book come from? What motivated to you to write a book on that subject?

TS: Me and my first boyfriend, we broke up after 6 years together, and I thought that I knew the game, and the next thing you know, I start dating and I said, Oh my God, these men are off the chain! I'm gonna write a book cause it's not the men, it's got to be the woman and what we accept. So that's what made me write the book. I wrote the book as a rant at first, when I was ranting off about stuff. But then when I looked back on how big this was, that's when I stepped back and took it seriously.

SSNY: Now that you're a TV personality - well, I wouldn't say you're a TV Personality -

TS: I'm AM a TV personality, but I'd like to stick to the entrepreneur/author thing. You know "TV Personality" is so Flavor of Love-ish. I like a title. I'm an author really. I'm a motivator. I'm an entrepreneur. This is what I do.

SSNY: So with this scene, is it going to take a backseat to your writing career? Or do you plan to write more? What are you gonna do?

TS: I am bringing my manuscript to my mother's house so I can sit down and read through it because it does take a lot on you, especially when you're playing all these roles. I'm still Tionna Smalls, entrepreneur. I still have to get things get done, I have to make sure my bills get paid. This is not a hobby, this is not a joke. This is how I pay my bills. I have a lot of pending things going right now as well as a book deal. So now I have to really get on my grind with my writing. So, it does take a lot, promoting yourself, basically, reading what people are saying, reading whatever VH1 saying - I'm also producing another show, doing my producer work. So say between my producer work, and my regular work.

SSNY: So any plans to hit the West Coast anytime soon?

TS: To visit. (laughs) I can always go visit but I'm not interested in moving to no Cali. But I'm definitely going to making more moves out there, cause that's where the money is at.

SSNY: Do you have any upcoming projects that us She's So New York girls should know about?

TS: You know, I'm producing a new show, I'm opening a store in a few weeks, I'm trying to deal with this book again - you know this book is going to be so major, you don't even understand. Because this is gonna be the realest "ish" you ever read, but its going to be professional this time around. You know it's going to be around and I'll be traveling to promote the book. I have a lot of pending endorsements going on.

The one thing about endorsements, is that I only endorse things I really believe in. I'm always repping for the big girl - no doubt; and its sexy. Everything I do is going be sexy. It aint gonna be no, "You're a size 12, or you're a size 20 and you're just busted." - that shit is finished. It's all about the fly, the fab. You know, I've been glaming myself up, got my new weave too, poppin. You know, I'm all about just taking it to the next level. So, I'm really just gonna be a beast for the next few months, I need all the cash. And I'm writing two more shows. I'm just getting it poppin girl. I believe you can do anything you put your mind to, and being on the show, that's little. That's nothing.

And if I'm never on another show again, it's never going to make me feel in any type of way. You're always gonna hear about me. I don't care if you heard my store, or whether I'm producing another show, whether it's about my books because I'm writing another book after this one because this one is finished but I just want to read through it and make sure I said everything that I wanted to say. So I need a couple of "read-thru" days, to make sure I really said everything I need to say.

SSNY: What advice would you give the average single woman advice on how to get a good man?

TS: Well, first of all you can't beast. Beast meaning, you know, you can't - go so hard to get the guy. Sometimes you have to relax, and be enjoyed, you know what I mean? And once you do get the guy, keep a goddamn hobby! See, a lot of women, when we do find a guy, we're so up under his ass that he gets annoyed and he wants to be out cause its like "Oh God, she's sweating me, starving." and that's why you can't do that. Keep a hobby, keep your friends around because you know what happens when a woman get a man, you know the first thing that happens: they lose their friends, and they lose their sense of self. And when they do that, they fuck up. You have to keep being into yourself, keep being into your life because I have a man, you have a husband and we still do us. We still work, we still establish ourselves, and that is what's going to take you to that next level.

Also, knowing the difference between what "fuckable" and what's "keepable." If you don't know the difference, you're gonna lose.

SSNY: What are the do's and don'ts of dating? What are some dating trends you've been noticing lately?

TS: Yeah, I got a problem with one dating trend and I think my ladies better get up on it and stop this B.S.: "dates" at a dude's house? That aint no damn date. Cause all that is, is a man trying to get in your panties before the credits of the movie comes on. No, that is a trend that must stop immediately. It's not right, it's not correct. Another thing is even when you do invite a man to your house, he shows up empty handed!

Back in our mama's days, if you drink, if you smoke, if you ate, - THEY had to bring with the eats, had to bring the smoke. These dudes come empty handed as hell, and want you to cook for them, but didn't buy the groceries! The thing is you think that women would know this stuff, but that's the problem. They continue to play themselves. Back in the day, dudes used to go hard for girls. These days, it's so easy to get somebody now, that it's like "Oh, I don't have to do nothing. She's gonna come regardless." There is no effort and then they wonder why they get the same results with different men. Like I say: "Sometimes you have to do things different, to get the things you never had."

We NEED to get back to dating, we have to get back to dating because now it's getting ridiculous. People are on TV bragging about being engaged for years and years, and things like that. If you give these dudes a rope, they would hang themselves like that. I aint giving no man no ten years of my life with nothing to show for it! You're crazy, that's out. And I'm not saying that we're perfect when we are in a relationship - just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you don't have problems. There's some times I have my own problems with my man, but there's one thing that my man knows: I don't settle for no bull crap. He don't play no games either. We don't play no games with each other, and we work out just fine.

SSNY: What's your take on interracial dating?

TS: Me personally - I never tried the white meat, but I'm not a racist, you know? I don't have a problem with it, and the way the statistics are going, women will HAVE to start dating outside of their race.

SSNY: Regina King just recently wrote an open letter(http://www.vibe.com/posts/regina-king-more-black-women-should-date-outside-their-race) to black women on dating outside of their race, and how while black women are normally apprehensive, black men date freely. What do you think we're so up in arms about it?

TS: Well, you know, that's what we were raised on. We were raised on black men, doing their thing but based on the statistics, we'll have to date outside our race - that's just the reality. And I'm not saying everybody, but it's true. Look at "What Chilli Wants."
I brought all those black guys for her and she aint pick not one. I mean, I'M shocked. People keep telling me that they're shocked but listen, I'M SHOCKED with them. I said it before, all these black men and its down to two white boys. WOW. You didn't expect it? I didn't expect it, and I was THERE. But Chilli is mixed herself, so it didn't shock me all that much, you know what I'm saying? Somebody like her that's been around the world, they know about other races. This isn't the first time she liked a guy of another race, but now I'm glad she did it though. She is letting these women know. She is saying "it's ok to date outside your race," "it's ok to like Rob - instead of Rah." Even Filipino guys are getting in on the action. Black women have a lot going on for themselves, but the one thing we don't have like the other races is our self esteem on point. Cause everything else we got together, but not self esteem like the other races.

I mean, I'm gonna keep it real. I keep it real all the time. I read what people say about me. But listen, I know I'm a big girl, but really..I just got big titties. And I read what people say about me, and I say to myself "THIS is why girls are getting nose jobs, and stuff like that." It's the comments. These dumb ass comments are making women feel really bad about themselves. But that's not going work for me. You're gonna have to talk about me forever. You're gonna have to come harder than talking about my titties. Cause I'm not getting no breast reduction, no lipo. You can forget it!

You can say what you want about me cause the bottom line is this: I'm on TV and you're not. The reality of it is, don't be worried about my fat ass. My fat ass is happy. Worry about YOUR fat ass, and why YOU'RE not happy. If you worried about the important things in life, you'd be better off. This is why people like me - they know that they're getting the real from me. THEY KNOW. I keep it real all day, every day, This is no gimmick.

Now don't get me wrong - if they have a season two of "What Chilli Wants," make no mistake, I'm getting in the gym - I'm working out more. Because now I know better, and I know how I look. But this is a personal decision.

SSNY: How can you tell a good date from a bad date?

TS: It's all about how you feel. You know you have one of those dates when you're thinking "Why the hell am I here?" "I need to go home." "What am I doing?" If you have that feeling, then obviously its not a good situation. But if on the date, you're feeling easy breezy and you're feeling good about it and you're thinking about the next date, and the next date, and the next date - and you feel like you really want to get to know this guy. That is an absolutely fabulous date! Any date where you are second guessing, is bad. Or where you're compromising - you didn't really want to eat KFC, but you settled and ate there because you didn't know how much money the guy had. Those dates where you have to think too much, is not good at all.

SSNY: What are some of the things you can't live without?

TS: Internet! You know I can't live without my internet. I am going on vacation, and I told my man that I was leaving my computer home and he said "Yeah, right!" I am an internet fanatic! I love to reach out to my peoples, I love to shop on the internet - I goes in on the computer. You know, this is how I get paid, if I'm not seeing what's going on, it's a wrap. At the end of the day, this TV shit dries up and I'm still the Internet Queen. I got to make sure that my game is on tight. I can't live without my lip gloss (she loves MAC gloss, like we do!) I've been weaing the lipsticks lately but you know, I can't live without my phone, and I really can't live without my love for real people. I love when I wake up, and I'm with people who really love me for me. Just like my man, or anybody else. Like, I've been with my man before alot of this started for me so I KNOW he loves me for me. (laughs) Just to be around people who love you for you.

No matter how much I'm on tv, I still had to go to the store for my mother the other day and I was cracking up! That's real and you always need that realness in your life because you can get so caught up in this entertainment industry and get caught up in feeling yourself too much. That's why I'm just me. She is I and I is she.

My family definetely keeps me grounded. My mother-in-law is like a mother to me too. She goes hard for me. Whenever people come to the house, she shows them the show. It's real love, from real people. I'm mean, I might be a little cocky - I'm confident on this love ish, but never to the point where I'm cocky about TV, but I'm always confident in writing about this love ish in terms of what I bring to the table. I take it seriously. People are sometimes intimidated, but I go hard for it. That's it, nobody gonna stop me.

SSNY: Besides Brooklyn, what's your favorite borough and why?

TS: Long Island - I'm trying to move to Long Island now actually. I've been in Brooklyn my whole life. I'm still in Brooklyn. I have to wear hats to go outside now sometimes. All the boroughs are the same really, but actually, I really like Queens. A lot of my peoples are from Queens. But in terms of what I like, Brooklyn and Long Island, that's all I rep. Out of state, I love Atlanta. That's the most beautifullest place I've ever been to for black people. Atlanta is just the city, I'm not even gonna lie - that shit is hot. You just see people doing big things there and things you think that are impossible. You'll see chicks out there, making it happen, women with non-profits, they got this, and that. And I'm always very happy for them and feel very supportive of them.

SSNY: That's what She's So New York is all about. It's not even just about one borough or place, we're about promoting ALL women, embracing each other, supporting one another and highlighting the real of what NYC women are all about - because we have so much going on.

TS: She's So New York, is just about the everday girl. She's New York, but that really means she's a hustler, she's doing what she needs to do to make it. She recognizes New York as one of her entities. I love New York, but Atlanta is where I want to be, where I get my money from. It's not LA money, but I can make it. If you can make it here in New York, YOU can make it anywhere else.

SSNY: To be only 25, and having accomplished all that you have, YOU'RE the shit! We are so happy for you. The best part is that you are just getting started. Congratulations.

TS: I feel like I accomplished a couple of things, but then I don't feel like I've accomplished alot (laughs). They're not even ready for me. I'm good. I'm getting married next year as well. I'm just really excited about my life. People wanna talk about me being on this show, but really the show is nothing to me. It's a couple of dollars, but it's not the big picture. I am doing big things man. Seriously.

SSNY: We always like to ask our SSNY ladies to tell us and the world why they're so New York. Start off the sentence with "I am so New York because..."

TS: I am so New York because.... I am just real and I don't really care what people are saying cause I'm grinding so hard. Matter fact, I am so New York because I grind so hard, and I'm just so real and I'm never going to apologize for it. I am DEFINETELY SO NEW YORK!

It's all about the She's So New York/Girl, Get Your Mind Right Campaign!

Want more of Ms. Smalls? Be sure to check http://www.tionnasmallsonline.com/ and be on the look out of for the re-release of her book "Girl, Get Your Mind right (coming soon! Follow her on twitter www.twitter.com/TionnaSmalls