He Say/She Say: Why Do People Cheat?

The battle of the sexes is nothing new, but does marital status and sexual orientation cause us to think differently? Welcome to He Say/She Say!

Every week, She's So New York asks a series of questions on a wide range of topics including race relations, sex, finance, politics, entertainment, relationships, and more. The weekly panel consists of opinions from single and married gay/straight men and women who are willing to give their unabashed opinions.

Today they're answering the Question:

Why Do People Cheat?

Read their take and let us know what you think!

I'm not here to judge, to each's own. Do what works for you. The concept of cheating is relatively old while the term "cheating" when concerning relationship is fairly new by comparison. Why do they call it cheating? Is a relationship a game for it to be called cheating, "Am I using performance enhancing drugs on my genitals"(No need). Cheating as a term pretty much signifies loss of integrity. As painful, dangerous and costly as the act can be, people still take great pleasure in doing it. But the question is, Why? Why commit yourself verbally and socially to someone if you find yourself stepping outside of the boundaries you put yourself in?

Well I for one have found every reason and excuse one why I've cheated in my day. There's the: "I have trust issues" in which you don't know what your partner is doing, so you might as well be unfaithful too, I guess this is an attempt of having some emotional leverage in case the relationship crash and burns. There's also the "I'm not happy" in which your spouse isn't fulfilling everything that you feel is required of them,for example, lack of oral sex, starfish syndrome(for my sexually educated friends) or lack of open mindedness. The cheater would then find someone to fill that void. My favorite is the "Its not natural to be monogamous", I personally think this holds the most weight. Since we're prone to reproduce, its only natural to act on primal instinct.

There's a ratio of 7 women to one man, what would happen to all of the lonely women in the world if I don't make it my business to sleep with them? These are just a few of the reasons of why people cheat, all of which will be shot down right about....Now!! If you have trust issues, why the hell are you in a relationship?! People who have those issues should probably take more time to fix themselves trying to build a serious future with someone. Chances are you're doing more harm than good. Constantly worrying about your spouses whereabouts and action while knocking boots with your jumpoff is highly stressful. It can hinder performance.

If you're not happy with your spouse's sexual performance, or the way they treat you, then communicate. If they don't fix it, then leave. Why complicate things by bringing a third party into it. Unless its for a threesome or you're subject to the alleged philosophy of Will and Jada smith, I highly doubt your spouse would appreciate the idea of you being sexually fulfilled elsewhere.

Now as far as the "It's not natural, its primal instinct" I get that, we all have a capacity to feed our primal urges, with violence and sex. But you know what separates us from animals, because we're fucking human!! We think on a higher level, that's why we're on the top of the food chain. So we can resist the urges. Now the idea of putting all these "reasons" why people cheat is pretty much a front in my opinion.

People really cheat for one reason, which I think is the best and makes the most sense. They cheat because they want to. We all do what we want to do when it comes to pleasing ourselves, because we all have free will. To hide behind anything else is futile. You like it, you do it end of discussion. The sooner people accept that is the sooner people can take steps toward changing it or being better at doing it. *Nods head, and walks away from the mirror*

Who He Is: Cedric Banton is a 28 year old single father and paramedic from Brooklyn, New York. The SSNY staff writer holds a BA in Business Management from Long Island University.

She Says: Cheating is by all stretch of the imagination - a cowardice act. Cheating is almost like a self-inflicted gun shot wound: the repercussions of getting caught while doing something totally unnecessary is the equivalent of shooting yourself. Why bother going through CIA like missions of sneaking around when 9 times out of 10, you'll get caught? What I realized and mentioned more times than I can remember, is that people would rather do the most insanely stupid things instead of owning up to their feelings. Some people cheat out of frustration, some people cheat because they can. The latter of the two is the worst, most selfish being of all.

All relationships go through a state of euphoric bliss - the honeymoon stage if you will. We are enamored and in love with love when we first embark on relationships, and when they ultimately hit stumbling blocks along the way, many are unable to handle life's curve balls. Ultimately, cheaters should ask themselves: Do you want to be in a relationship? If so, is the relationship not headed in the direction that you have hoped it would? Have you lost communication? Has your significant other shown traits that you feel will hinder your longevity?

If you don't want to be in a relationship or tried to work out whatever issues that you feel cause you to look for solace in others, why bother being unhappy? And most importantly, why allow someone to be unhappy with you? LEAVE!  

Who She Is: Portia Walker is the Editor-in-Chief of She's So New York and co-founder of GlammSoNY PR Firm, along with Tiffany Dimanche (bka Glamm CEO) of Glamm on the Go. Portia is also a married mother of two boys.

They Say:

 

(Disclaimer: This week we wanted to do a different spin on the topic. XD will answer while Archer plays devil’s advocate.)

Archer: Can cheating be forgiven?

XD: It can be forgiven but not forgotten. It depends on the level that one has been with the person and you have commodities like children and a house or something then things should be worked out. Now if it’s someone you are dating and he or she cheats then they should forgive for him/her and forget him/her.

Archer: What if the person cheats again after the person has found out?

XD: Then you leave, they don’t respect you enough to change. It’s a habit, a routine and anything that routine is a relationship.

Archer: Why do they have to be forgiven?

XD: You have to forgive people because then you are carrying a burden that wasn’t yours to begin with. Forgiveness is freedom. You can’t be like no f you, that doesn’t make you any better and you can’t progress further.

Archer: What if you find out that the person was cheating with even more people than you had originally known about and there was a child conceived for those long term invested couples??

XD: That’s tricky that’s all depends on the couple. Yes the cheater should still be forgiven but as to whether one should stay in that relationship, that depends on that relationship.

Archer: So you’re saying that they should forgive and that be that?

XD: There needs to be a level of understanding as to why. There’s a level of inadequacy that goes along with it. Was I not good enough, am I doing things the right way. There’s a lot of questioning that comes a long with it.

Who They Are: X. D. and Archer are the driving forces behind The XDexperience. Both in their 20s who recognize that there is more to life than wallowing in life. As residents of Brooklyn, Archer and X. D. are in constant pursuit of all things positive, progressive, and, well, fabulous. Follow them both on twitter! @Archerismyname @TheXDexperience

She Says: Cheating is a power trip. An ego-stroker. An emotional high. “How much can I get away with before I get caught?”

Cheating is a bitch move by people who are not mature enough to be in a functioning relationship. Those who are considered low self-esteemers and insecure folks who always need that extra push. There are all forms of cheating. There’s fucking, texting, BBM’ing, social network chatting, phone conversations and any other form of communication that would be uncomfortable if your partner were within ear/eye shot. I applaud the ignorant fools who believe that the only form of cheating is “intimate or physical”. Emotional cheating is the most dangerous kind. Having conversations about ones inner-most feelings and desires will eventually lead to a fuck or 2. Trust me.

I used to believe that there was a real “reason” why people cheat. As I get older and deeper into the “game”, I realize that people cheat because they are greedy. If an opportunity presented itself, how many people could honestly say they wouldn’t pass it up if their partner would never find out? At one time, I thought it had something to do with things that are lacking in a relationship. People would venture outside to get what they needed. At the end of the day though, they end up back home. So if things were that bad and you had to venture out, why don’t you stay where you were at? And don’t let someone get busted. They are all sorry and apologetic… Begging for another chance and wanting to come back home. Why? That’s why I believe it’s about greed. “I already have this but… Damn, he/she is interested. Let me see if I can get that…” For some it’s a sport, a game. They do it just to see if they still have it. For others, it’s their own personal, low self-esteem situation that requires them to constantly seek attention. Those people should be ordered by law to stay single so their crap won’t have to be dealt with.

Who She Is: Tha Lady Blogga is a writer who blogs for various different websites. She takes on any topic thrown her way but specializes in music, life situations, current events and even politics. You can catch her almost daily on a rant on Twitter. And she spares no one’s feelings. She is lethal with a pen and currently completing her first book of a three book series due out on shelves late October 2010… Her posts have been published here and she is on heavy rotation on her home site http://www.themadbloggers.com/ as well as her contributing sites http://www.globalgrind.com/, http://www.dadesignatedhata.com/, and http://www.hiphopiscoolagain.com/

The Panel has spoken! Now what is YOUR take on the subject? CAN Friends with Benefits  transition into successful healthy relationships? Let us know!

Album Review: Rick Ross - Teflon Don

By: Cedric Banton, SSNY Staff Writer

Recently, Ross has been a fixture on numerous hip hop joints, including Dirty Money's "Hello GoodMorning," and he's also remixed Rihanna's "Rude Boy" and Drake's "Find your Love" just to name a few. The general consensus is he's been crushing these songs. Accompanied by his "Albert Anatasia," big things were expected from Teflon Don. So with the blaring bass of Track 1 "I'm Not A Star," Ross sets the tone of what he attempts to deliver on this album. The hook is simple but highly effective in which he repeats the title and drags it out.

Ross being no stranger to controversy - with a checkered past of being a correction officer that he initially denied (lying ass nigga), now claims to be a Freemason on the song (featuring Jay-Z) where Hov brings life to the song stating his case against the recent attacks of rumors that he's a part of the Masonic Devil worshipping cult. Hov denies being a part of a demonic cult, but doesn't once deny that he's Mason (food for thought). Lines like: "I said that amazing, not that I'm a Mason" will pacify easy listeners, but broken down word for word, he's only worshipping the devil, so take it for what you will.

You can breeze through easily forgettable tracks like "Tears of Joy" ft.Cee-Lo (Side note: where have you been Gnarls Barkley?) where Green vaguely describes the struggle of success and being content.  "MayBach Music 3" ft TI, Jadakiss and Erykah Badu (produced by Justice League) isn't as bad - its pretty much an overdone signature of Ross's representation of "Gangster Elegance." Jada and TI make it much more listenable as well.

The meat and potatoes of the album is tracks 5-9, starting with Kanye West produced "Live Fast and Die Young." Its bizarre hook and tempo is more than just a "808 & Heartbreak" rendition but it should have been Kanye West ft Rick Ross -  Kanye outshines Ross on this song, where he discusses how his falling fame hasn't shaken his egotistical superficial swag in the least. Ross pretty much addresses the usual: cars and clothes while one line toward the end of the song addresses the actual subject matter of the hook.

It's the perfect set up for "Superhigh" (ft Ne-Yo), which could quite possibly be the best song on the album. Ross destroys every verse on this seventies themed track produced by Clark Kent. The Teflon Don paints a vivid picture of what its like to be rich and enjoy the pleasures of what money can give a person. Weaving his way through the sultry sounds of the guitars and bass, he makes it looks easy. Ne-Yo compliments as well as enhances the song perfectly. "No.1" ft Diddy and Trey Songz serves as a alley oop to the 2 hardest songs in the streets.


Rick Ross ft. Ne-Yo - Super High

Ross's ode to "MC Hammer" and BMF crime boss Big Meech (with the song "BMF" both produced by Lex Luger), Officer Ricky takes the life legendary rap star MC Hammer and smites it into the heavy bells and bassdrum of the beat. Lines like "I got 30 cars/whole lot of dancers/ I take them everywhere/ I'm MC Hammer!" pretty much sums up what Hammer was known for before it all fell apart for him. But the song doesn't diss Hammer, it praises the insane life he lived and how he technically paved the way for 'Ballin outta control'. "BMF" (Blowin Money Fast) sounds too much like MC Hammer, but apparently gets a pass not only from listeners who didn't want the last song to end, but also from Meech himself, who's doin 30 to life and loves the song too. Styles P who also is on the song, gives the gunplay Ross talks about, much needed gangsta indulgence. Both songs are too good to ignore.


Rick Ross - BMF

"Aston Martin Music" ft Drake and Chrisette Michelle shouldn't have made the cut on an album like this. Maybe this could've been slotted earlier on the album, but overall it seemed outta place. "All the Money in the World" ft the legendary Raphael Saadiq ends the album on a decent note. If you have the ITunes bonus track, "Audio Meth" featuring Raekwon, then maybe you'd agree that he should've replaced a few tracks with this high tempo Mobb Deep sampled track and good hook (oh well).

All in all, Rick Ross is a smart guy. He clearly doesn't mind being out shined on songs featuring other rappers, and uses them to enhance the subject matter that he clearly lacks in his song content. Teflon Don LP overall? Banger.

Hits: BMF, McHammer, SuperHigh

Misses: Aston Martin Music, Tears of Joy

Teflon Don is in stores now!

Introducing: He Say/She Say

The battle of the sexes is nothing new, but does marital status and sexual orientation cause us to think differently? Welcome to He Say/She Say!

 Every week, She's So New York asks a series of questions on a wide range of topics including race relations, sex, finance, politics, entertainment, relationships, and more. The weekly panel consists of opinions from single and married gay/straight men and women who are willing to give their unabashed opinions.

Today they're answering the Question:

"What is the current state of relationships in 2010? Have we lost the tools to having successful relationships? Who/What is to blame? What can we do to change it?"

Meet the panel and read their take! Agree/Disagree? Join and Discuss!

He Says:
The other day I was at home watching Fatal Attraction, the 1987 movie starring Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in which Douglas plays a lawyer who cheats on his wife while she's away for the weekend. The major problem is, he cheats on her with the craziest woman (Glenn Close) on the planet who goes on this mission to make herself #1 in his life by any means necessary (boiled rabbit and all).

I was 5 yrs old in 1987. That was a generation ago -  practically 2 generations ago, and the dynamics of relationships between men and women have not changed at all. The world around us has changed drastically, but the nature of the sexes hasn't. If Fatal Attraction had been made in 2010, the idea of him trying to solve this problem without his wife knowing for 3 quarters of the movie would be nonsense. Everyone knows his wife would've learned about his cheating within the first 10 minutes of the movie via facebook, twitter, or any other social networking site where cheaters are dumb enough to get caught on. THAT's what has changed: access to info - but the nature of us as a people hasn't.

People have been cheating for years, and have been doing their best to get away with it. Back in biblical times, you'd have to ride a horse or camel for 2 days for your next rendevous with a whore from a brothel. But even before the aspect of cheating, its always been the idea of men and women putting their best foot forward in the relationship when they 1st meet each other, only to have the truth be revealed months or years later. Some people swear up and down that they don't lie about their likes and dislikes and what ground rules are made in a relationship. But I tend to disagree.

If someone wasn't lying or omitting from the start, then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high, and there wouldn't be a need for match.com or the police. I mean hey, which guy is gonna come out on the 1st date and say "Yea I hit chicks from time to time, but only if I think they derserve it". Lies and omission is all apart of the games people play, whether when they 1st meet someone or in long term relationships. Personally I feel women have lying encoded in their DNA, and the art of omission has been passed down through the years.

Why are they so good at it?! If a man could lie like a woman, you'll have a nuclear weapon. Women lie about sex partners, sex acts, money, age, and guys friends. I honestly don't know what to believe when it comes most women. Let's be clear: I do blame men for most the downfall of relationships( due to default by stupidity and sloppiness). But the skeletons that women pack up and leave with in a relationship is truly ridiculous.

All in all, it's simple:  If I like you, and I trust you, I'll open up to you and give all that I have. Just PLEASE don't fuck it up, because I will use all of these vehicles to ruin your life. I bet you wish they were still boiling rabbit huh Tiger?

Who He Is: Cedric Banton, a 28 year old single father, LIU Graduate and paramedic from Brooklyn, New York

She Says:

In my opinion, everyone wants to be in a relationship. Humans need contact. If we could take an anonymous poll of what people really want, I think they may admit a return to the 1950's-- don't take away the strides women have made, but a return to the basic relationship structure that provided security. But in 2010, we feel like we have to play it cool, like nothing bothers us and we're fine with friends with benefits. There are two extremes I've noticed from my "people studies" -- there's the casual sex/friend with benefits or there are so many people deciding to be celibate and then complain about it incessantly while projecting a holier than thou attitude for being celibate (and not always by choice). As a result of so many people choosing celibacy, people who are comfortable and thrive in open-relationships are vilified.

Technology is bringing everyone together while making relationships much more superficial. When is the last time you've been on a date and didn't check your phone or actually take a call while you were with your date? Nothing is special or "just between us" anymore. Folks tweet about their dates sometimes while they're on the date, passive-aggressive Facebook statuses put folks on blast for what they're not doing or can't do well in bed-- stuff like that. So I think all that destroys trust and stops people from allowing themselves to be vulnerable and true to themselves and their significant other. There's an audience 24/7.

Who She Is: Abigail Ekue is a writer who encompasses the inner workings of the human body and psyche; she explores the human experience of being and the body—health, fitness, nutrition, psychology, emotions, relationships and sex—through her writing. Her erotic short story collection The Darker Side of Lust was published in December 2009. Abigail has shared her work at the erotic showcase, UrbanErotika as performer, producer and curator, at ArtErotica, Freak Nasty and Abiola Abrams' Kiss and Tell Reading Series. When she’s not writing, she’s creating with her body. She has worked with a number of photographers as an art and erotic nude model to promote positive body image, sensuality and a sex-positive attitude. September 2009 marked the debut of her dildo photo exhibit, Man. Toy., in New York City. To view her writing portfolio, information on her upcoming events or latest projects visit http://www.abigailekue.com/

They Say:

During the Summer, love fills the streets of every borough in our fair concrete jungle. Couples hand-in-hand in Central Park, a man and woman sharing a kiss at a coffee shop in DUMBO, two gay men sharing an intimate moment in the East Village…it’s all a part of the mysticism that is the quintessential “summer love.” After summer fades, autumn brings out not only different colors in leaves, but in people too. Can these relationships that we fostered over these last few months last? Do successful relationships even exist in 2010? The answer is simple: Yes.

There are plenty of readers who disagree and are looking for an answer or something or someone to blame for such cynical thinking. Here‘s an excerpt of the conversation we had while writing this article to shed some light and insight.

X.D.: The reason why people don’t think they work, in terms of dating in New York, I believe has a lot to do with the idea of relevance. New York is a fast paced and trends driven society where things come and go so quickly that most people have incorporated this mind set into their intimate relationships. People need to understand that one cannot expect things to change if they don’t!

Archer: I think the media has a lot to do with the lack of successful relationships. Many of these “looking for love” reality shows and faux celebrity couplings for publicity purposes have impacted our society in such a way that people treat relationships as if it for the camera.

X.D.: It’s about how you measure success, too. Some people measure it by the amount of orgasms they have in a night. sips tea

Archer: Serial dating is a part of it as well. Some people cast their net out so far that they don’t give any person enough of themselves to get a firm grasp of their compatibility. Thus leaving them where they started, alone.

X.D.: A lot of people are stuck in the past, you know? How can you work on the future when you keep looking back? Let go!

Archer: Yes, baggage will hold you down. Some people don’t even have a past but the unknown terrifies them. You know what they say, fear and hurt breeds hate and resentment.

X. D.: AMEN!

Archer: The solution is following one’s instinct and not some blueprint that society has packaged for mass consumption. Stop attempting to model your relationship after Will and Jada’s, Angelina and Brad’s even your mom and dad’s. No two people are the same therefore no relationship is the same. Be willing to get hurt. These are cliché but they make sense; the bigger the risk the bigger the reward or lose, live life for today, hope for the best and prepare for the worst, hope for everything and expect nothing. Incorporate these into your lifestyle and you will live a more stress free life.

Who they are: X. D. and Archer are the driving forces behind TheXDexperience.com [http://TheXDexperience.com]. Both in their 20s who recognize that there is more to life than wallowing in life. As residents of Brooklyn, Archer and X. D. are in constant pursuit of all things positve, progressive, and, well, fabulous. http://www.thexdexperience.com/ @Archerismyname @TheXDexperience
She Says:

As a happily married woman, obviously I believe that successful relationships do exist in 2010. BUT let me make this clear: Relationships and their success rate depend entirely on the people in them and if they WANT to make it work. Everyone has heard the saying "If someone wants to be with you, nothing and no one can stop them from being there." And its true!

I have had my fair share of AWFUL relationships but what I learned by watching my mistakes and the people around me is that we've lost the fundamentals: dating, chivarly, tradition - you name it, most people don't know it or don't believe its necessary to have.These days its customary to have a bed buddy more than it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and if you do know someone in a relationship, chances are you hear more drama than love making! Of course we know that baggage, trust issues, self esteem issues all hinder relationships from taking the next step. But for a relationship to thrive, I think its important to know yourself within, man or woman. Be clear about the things you want for yourself, and never sell yourself short that you'd rather be unhappy with someone than happy all by your damn self.Essentially, we all share the same issues.

I don't think its enough to blame one sex over the other for the lack of successful unions. While one person can make or break a relationship, the most important thing to remember is that it takes TWO people to make it work - no one person should do more than the other in order for you two to survive. Keep your friends out of your business, communicate and BE FRIENDS with your mate as well as lovers. Build and dream together. PRAY!

The Panel has spoken! But what do YOU think? Have a question you want the panel to answer? Send your questions to besonewyork@gmail.com!