He Say/She Say: Why Do People Cheat?

The battle of the sexes is nothing new, but does marital status and sexual orientation cause us to think differently? Welcome to He Say/She Say!

Every week, She's So New York asks a series of questions on a wide range of topics including race relations, sex, finance, politics, entertainment, relationships, and more. The weekly panel consists of opinions from single and married gay/straight men and women who are willing to give their unabashed opinions.

Today they're answering the Question:

Why Do People Cheat?

Read their take and let us know what you think!

I'm not here to judge, to each's own. Do what works for you. The concept of cheating is relatively old while the term "cheating" when concerning relationship is fairly new by comparison. Why do they call it cheating? Is a relationship a game for it to be called cheating, "Am I using performance enhancing drugs on my genitals"(No need). Cheating as a term pretty much signifies loss of integrity. As painful, dangerous and costly as the act can be, people still take great pleasure in doing it. But the question is, Why? Why commit yourself verbally and socially to someone if you find yourself stepping outside of the boundaries you put yourself in?

Well I for one have found every reason and excuse one why I've cheated in my day. There's the: "I have trust issues" in which you don't know what your partner is doing, so you might as well be unfaithful too, I guess this is an attempt of having some emotional leverage in case the relationship crash and burns. There's also the "I'm not happy" in which your spouse isn't fulfilling everything that you feel is required of them,for example, lack of oral sex, starfish syndrome(for my sexually educated friends) or lack of open mindedness. The cheater would then find someone to fill that void. My favorite is the "Its not natural to be monogamous", I personally think this holds the most weight. Since we're prone to reproduce, its only natural to act on primal instinct.

There's a ratio of 7 women to one man, what would happen to all of the lonely women in the world if I don't make it my business to sleep with them? These are just a few of the reasons of why people cheat, all of which will be shot down right about....Now!! If you have trust issues, why the hell are you in a relationship?! People who have those issues should probably take more time to fix themselves trying to build a serious future with someone. Chances are you're doing more harm than good. Constantly worrying about your spouses whereabouts and action while knocking boots with your jumpoff is highly stressful. It can hinder performance.

If you're not happy with your spouse's sexual performance, or the way they treat you, then communicate. If they don't fix it, then leave. Why complicate things by bringing a third party into it. Unless its for a threesome or you're subject to the alleged philosophy of Will and Jada smith, I highly doubt your spouse would appreciate the idea of you being sexually fulfilled elsewhere.

Now as far as the "It's not natural, its primal instinct" I get that, we all have a capacity to feed our primal urges, with violence and sex. But you know what separates us from animals, because we're fucking human!! We think on a higher level, that's why we're on the top of the food chain. So we can resist the urges. Now the idea of putting all these "reasons" why people cheat is pretty much a front in my opinion.

People really cheat for one reason, which I think is the best and makes the most sense. They cheat because they want to. We all do what we want to do when it comes to pleasing ourselves, because we all have free will. To hide behind anything else is futile. You like it, you do it end of discussion. The sooner people accept that is the sooner people can take steps toward changing it or being better at doing it. *Nods head, and walks away from the mirror*

Who He Is: Cedric Banton is a 28 year old single father and paramedic from Brooklyn, New York. The SSNY staff writer holds a BA in Business Management from Long Island University.

She Says: Cheating is by all stretch of the imagination - a cowardice act. Cheating is almost like a self-inflicted gun shot wound: the repercussions of getting caught while doing something totally unnecessary is the equivalent of shooting yourself. Why bother going through CIA like missions of sneaking around when 9 times out of 10, you'll get caught? What I realized and mentioned more times than I can remember, is that people would rather do the most insanely stupid things instead of owning up to their feelings. Some people cheat out of frustration, some people cheat because they can. The latter of the two is the worst, most selfish being of all.

All relationships go through a state of euphoric bliss - the honeymoon stage if you will. We are enamored and in love with love when we first embark on relationships, and when they ultimately hit stumbling blocks along the way, many are unable to handle life's curve balls. Ultimately, cheaters should ask themselves: Do you want to be in a relationship? If so, is the relationship not headed in the direction that you have hoped it would? Have you lost communication? Has your significant other shown traits that you feel will hinder your longevity?

If you don't want to be in a relationship or tried to work out whatever issues that you feel cause you to look for solace in others, why bother being unhappy? And most importantly, why allow someone to be unhappy with you? LEAVE!  

Who She Is: Portia Walker is the Editor-in-Chief of She's So New York and co-founder of GlammSoNY PR Firm, along with Tiffany Dimanche (bka Glamm CEO) of Glamm on the Go. Portia is also a married mother of two boys.

They Say:

 

(Disclaimer: This week we wanted to do a different spin on the topic. XD will answer while Archer plays devil’s advocate.)

Archer: Can cheating be forgiven?

XD: It can be forgiven but not forgotten. It depends on the level that one has been with the person and you have commodities like children and a house or something then things should be worked out. Now if it’s someone you are dating and he or she cheats then they should forgive for him/her and forget him/her.

Archer: What if the person cheats again after the person has found out?

XD: Then you leave, they don’t respect you enough to change. It’s a habit, a routine and anything that routine is a relationship.

Archer: Why do they have to be forgiven?

XD: You have to forgive people because then you are carrying a burden that wasn’t yours to begin with. Forgiveness is freedom. You can’t be like no f you, that doesn’t make you any better and you can’t progress further.

Archer: What if you find out that the person was cheating with even more people than you had originally known about and there was a child conceived for those long term invested couples??

XD: That’s tricky that’s all depends on the couple. Yes the cheater should still be forgiven but as to whether one should stay in that relationship, that depends on that relationship.

Archer: So you’re saying that they should forgive and that be that?

XD: There needs to be a level of understanding as to why. There’s a level of inadequacy that goes along with it. Was I not good enough, am I doing things the right way. There’s a lot of questioning that comes a long with it.

Who They Are: X. D. and Archer are the driving forces behind The XDexperience. Both in their 20s who recognize that there is more to life than wallowing in life. As residents of Brooklyn, Archer and X. D. are in constant pursuit of all things positive, progressive, and, well, fabulous. Follow them both on twitter! @Archerismyname @TheXDexperience

She Says: Cheating is a power trip. An ego-stroker. An emotional high. “How much can I get away with before I get caught?”

Cheating is a bitch move by people who are not mature enough to be in a functioning relationship. Those who are considered low self-esteemers and insecure folks who always need that extra push. There are all forms of cheating. There’s fucking, texting, BBM’ing, social network chatting, phone conversations and any other form of communication that would be uncomfortable if your partner were within ear/eye shot. I applaud the ignorant fools who believe that the only form of cheating is “intimate or physical”. Emotional cheating is the most dangerous kind. Having conversations about ones inner-most feelings and desires will eventually lead to a fuck or 2. Trust me.

I used to believe that there was a real “reason” why people cheat. As I get older and deeper into the “game”, I realize that people cheat because they are greedy. If an opportunity presented itself, how many people could honestly say they wouldn’t pass it up if their partner would never find out? At one time, I thought it had something to do with things that are lacking in a relationship. People would venture outside to get what they needed. At the end of the day though, they end up back home. So if things were that bad and you had to venture out, why don’t you stay where you were at? And don’t let someone get busted. They are all sorry and apologetic… Begging for another chance and wanting to come back home. Why? That’s why I believe it’s about greed. “I already have this but… Damn, he/she is interested. Let me see if I can get that…” For some it’s a sport, a game. They do it just to see if they still have it. For others, it’s their own personal, low self-esteem situation that requires them to constantly seek attention. Those people should be ordered by law to stay single so their crap won’t have to be dealt with.

Who She Is: Tha Lady Blogga is a writer who blogs for various different websites. She takes on any topic thrown her way but specializes in music, life situations, current events and even politics. You can catch her almost daily on a rant on Twitter. And she spares no one’s feelings. She is lethal with a pen and currently completing her first book of a three book series due out on shelves late October 2010… Her posts have been published here and she is on heavy rotation on her home site http://www.themadbloggers.com/ as well as her contributing sites http://www.globalgrind.com/, http://www.dadesignatedhata.com/, and http://www.hiphopiscoolagain.com/

The Panel has spoken! Now what is YOUR take on the subject? CAN Friends with Benefits  transition into successful healthy relationships? Let us know!

Blogger Love: Dear Mistresses

Hey Ladies,


I hope that when this letter reaches you, you are not laid up under someone else’s husband (again). Julia, Alicia and now Fantasia… this one’s for you!!!

Ya know… The ratio of man to woman on this earth is plentiful. I never understood how heauxs like yourselves, made it your business to wind up in the middle of someone’s marital affairs. You are all single women, attractive women… How hard is it for you to find a man that doesn’t already belong to someone else? I understand that people meet and whatever but, if he is a husband, he should be off limits, PERIOD. If he is going through some type of separation/divorce, what is so hard about waiting until things are totally over? Papers signed. Money and children accounted for. Know why??? Because y’all are heauxs and that’s how heauxs move.

Julia Roberts aka “America’s Sweetheart” has to be the quietest home wrecker of all. She was with a single man, a fine man too (Benjamin Bratt). She left him for a married man named Danny Moder and even paid off his wife for a quickie divorce so they could be married by the 4th of July… Julia had a nice single man. They may not have had the best relationship but, you sunk your claws in the back of a married man? With children? Really??

And you Alicia… You were having an affair with the man of a woman whom you knew. Maybe not friends but you guys were definitely acquaintances. Whether or not their marriage was on the rocks or not, that is a situation that you should have steered clear of. The presence of another woman is a distracter. Men have the attention spans of 2 year olds. I have watched men watch other women while with their wives. Everyone is human. Shit if I see a fine man walking down the street, I will be watching. It’s natural. If they are in a situation that needs working on, 9 times out of 10 he will take the easy way out with the next bitch if she’s accessible.

She asked you to back off. You kept throwing the cooch. Personally, that’s grounds for a beat down. You got off easy. Not only did you have an affair with this man but you married him. Swizz actually turned a heaux into a housewife. I am impressed because most people say that can’t be done. I only hope Miss Alicia that you and Swizz don’t fall upon hard times. And the next woman doesn’t slide up under you and take your spot. That’s how Karma works you know. And since Swizz did it to Mashonda, chances are, he’ll do it to you too. That’s just the way things work.

And Fantasia, the weakest heaux of all. You are sleeping with a married man, recording it and then try to kill yourself when it all comes to light?? What kind of heaux are you!? Girl you need to be able to look at people and say. “Yea I fucked him and he’s married… And?” You obviously are not built for the heaux position. Antwaun Cook is a RN (Regular Nigga). You are somewhat of a celebrity (and I use the term celebrity loosely) you should have known that he was up to something. I am sure he used you to get famous. His wife is pretty damn attractive. I can’t see how he back slid and fell into the likes of you. Now listen… You are all mixed up in this mess and you just made yourself look extra guilty. Shame. Shame. Shame.


Look… As a woman, I have hella respect for myself. There is no way in hell am I going to allow myself to be a man’s option. If you meet a man and he starts babbling about “I have a situation…” or “We’re separating”… Nigga you gon’ have to show me some papers. There are way too many men walking around on this earth for me to have to settle for some woman’s tired leftovers. I am not sharing, you’re not texting me in the middle of the night, you are not depriving me of phone calls and quality time because you live at home with your wife. I can find a man who can give me a hundred percent instead of the 6o you’re trying to donate.

Ladies, given your societal positions, I’m thinking your self-esteem is on blast. Confidence is all that. Clearly, I was wrong because these kinds of movements indicate anything but. You guys have no right deciding whether or not you should be with someone else’s husband. People try to justify saying… “Well if the wife was doing her job…” Well guess what?? You don’t know if she was or wasn’t and neither do I. But I do know that marriage is a 2 person party… You are an intrusion. Get your lives together.

Oh and P.S. I urge you and any other heauxs like you not to come creeping around in my backyard… Milk cartons would be valuable with your picture on it…

Smooches,

*Logs off the computer and dies laughing*
 
Be sure to follow Tha Lady Blogga on Twitter and her blog www.dadesignatedhata.com!