It took me over a year to muster up the courage to watch Boy Interrupted from beginning to end. When I finally did, I had to watch it over and over again, just to make sure I was truly seeing what I thought I was. A mother who captured the life of her son on camera, from birth, until his funeral, fifteen years later. A son, Evan, who suffered from bi-polar disorder. Evan came from the most nurturing, supportive, financially-fit family imaginable. Still, he talked and flirted with suicide until he finally went through with it, while he was home with his family.
My mental illness is greatly triggered by life's events and emotional issues (so I've been told). I'd always been fine with that. To me, that simply meant that if I changed my events and issues, I could have a better grip on my mood. I was such a slave to this theory. Even when I switched everything up and my bad mood was still persistant, rather than adopt a new method, I'd chalk it up as a fluke and keep trucking. After watching Boy Interrupted, I couldn't do that anymore.
Evan's sheer existence shattered every fiber of my theory. The war he fought every day was within himself. Not a classroom or his home. There was nothing unstable in his set-up. Obviously, you can come from a nurturing, supportive, financially-fit family, and have all the luck in the world, and still have no control over certain thoughts and negative emotions.
I've been struggling to believe that for my entire life. I don't ever want to believe that I have no control over with the direction my mood swings. Even though there's times I'm a complete bitch to my downward spirals, to accept that my form of mental illness must be tended to for the rest of my life is incomprehensible. A simple, non-negotiable.
The thing about Evan that made him such a stand out to me, was his creativity. He wrote everything from plays, to songs, to short films. He created more in his fifteen years than I have my entire life. All the works he produced have the tone of a young man trying to find a way through his despair. At fifteen, everything I wrote sounded like a fifteen year old girl trying too hard to be cool and insightful.
Once, I even made my mom sit down and watch it with me. I wanted her to see - as a mother, that sometimes, regretfully, there are things that a mother has no control over, and sadly, she has to reliquish all guilt. She has to let it go. She has to believe that she did the best she could. My mother. Evans mother. Myself. Because, whether you're the parent of a victim of mental illness, or guilty by diagnosis, there's a level of guilt we carry that is not our own.
Several times throughtout watching the film with my mother, I wanted to tell her that I would never try to commit suicide again. But, I couldn't. I'm not sure enough. Something tells me that Evan might have said that to himself a time or two. No control over which way your mood swings.
The past few months, I've been more concerned with trying to enhance the positive in my life, and giving the cold shoulder to all things negative, like mental illness. I've been working a lot more, and developing a new website with a good friend. It's all about women, progress, inspiration, and movement. It's about being your best you, regardless of your disadvantages, flaws, age, waist line. I thought about all the women I know or want to get to know that would be great examples of how to live out loud and encourage others to do the same. Everyone from authors, actors, and high school teachers crossed my mind.
And then, I thought about Dana Perry. I thought about all the good work she's produced and directed with Hart (her husband), for Perry Films Productions. I thought how many times I watched Boy Interrupted, and I thought about all the questions I've been wanting to ask her. Questions that go beyond any side project or blog. Questions that, I think, might be able to save my life.
Getting an actual, sit-down interview was far beyond my realm of comprehension. For goodness sakes, this woman's work airs on PBS, VH1, and HBO. It's not TV... It's HBfuckingO! I didn't really think that even getting in contact with her was a possibility. But as I Googled her like a mad woman, archiving her Tweets, I thought about this little 'ole blog of mine, and realized how close to home this was hitting. There's so much that I've taken from Evan's life. If he can make me feel so understood and validated, I know he could do the same for countless others.
So, I did it. I sat down and wrote an email to the uber-successful, award-winning, producer/director. I told her who I was. Why Boy Interrupted was so important to me. What ShesSoNewYork.com is all about. And, why I wanted to interview her for the site. I will be damned, SHE WROTE ME BACK! She said she would "definitely" do an interview. I cried on the spot. I was at work, ringing in the order for a table. I call it, The Vibration That Changed My Life.
And now, I'm stuck on dumb, trying to process this all. I started this blog because I wanted to educate myself about depression. Find a way to come to grips with who I have become because of it. In the process, I am not only getting better in terms of my own personal progress, I have an infinite opportunity to help others along on their paths. Because, I believe that Dana Perry does that every time she talks about Evan.
Tamela
Be sure to check out Tami's blog, Baby, Beat Those Blues
My mental illness is greatly triggered by life's events and emotional issues (so I've been told). I'd always been fine with that. To me, that simply meant that if I changed my events and issues, I could have a better grip on my mood. I was such a slave to this theory. Even when I switched everything up and my bad mood was still persistant, rather than adopt a new method, I'd chalk it up as a fluke and keep trucking. After watching Boy Interrupted, I couldn't do that anymore.
Evan's sheer existence shattered every fiber of my theory. The war he fought every day was within himself. Not a classroom or his home. There was nothing unstable in his set-up. Obviously, you can come from a nurturing, supportive, financially-fit family, and have all the luck in the world, and still have no control over certain thoughts and negative emotions.
I've been struggling to believe that for my entire life. I don't ever want to believe that I have no control over with the direction my mood swings. Even though there's times I'm a complete bitch to my downward spirals, to accept that my form of mental illness must be tended to for the rest of my life is incomprehensible. A simple, non-negotiable.
The thing about Evan that made him such a stand out to me, was his creativity. He wrote everything from plays, to songs, to short films. He created more in his fifteen years than I have my entire life. All the works he produced have the tone of a young man trying to find a way through his despair. At fifteen, everything I wrote sounded like a fifteen year old girl trying too hard to be cool and insightful.
Once, I even made my mom sit down and watch it with me. I wanted her to see - as a mother, that sometimes, regretfully, there are things that a mother has no control over, and sadly, she has to reliquish all guilt. She has to let it go. She has to believe that she did the best she could. My mother. Evans mother. Myself. Because, whether you're the parent of a victim of mental illness, or guilty by diagnosis, there's a level of guilt we carry that is not our own.
Several times throughtout watching the film with my mother, I wanted to tell her that I would never try to commit suicide again. But, I couldn't. I'm not sure enough. Something tells me that Evan might have said that to himself a time or two. No control over which way your mood swings.
The past few months, I've been more concerned with trying to enhance the positive in my life, and giving the cold shoulder to all things negative, like mental illness. I've been working a lot more, and developing a new website with a good friend. It's all about women, progress, inspiration, and movement. It's about being your best you, regardless of your disadvantages, flaws, age, waist line. I thought about all the women I know or want to get to know that would be great examples of how to live out loud and encourage others to do the same. Everyone from authors, actors, and high school teachers crossed my mind.
And then, I thought about Dana Perry. I thought about all the good work she's produced and directed with Hart (her husband), for Perry Films Productions. I thought how many times I watched Boy Interrupted, and I thought about all the questions I've been wanting to ask her. Questions that go beyond any side project or blog. Questions that, I think, might be able to save my life.
Getting an actual, sit-down interview was far beyond my realm of comprehension. For goodness sakes, this woman's work airs on PBS, VH1, and HBO. It's not TV... It's HBfuckingO! I didn't really think that even getting in contact with her was a possibility. But as I Googled her like a mad woman, archiving her Tweets, I thought about this little 'ole blog of mine, and realized how close to home this was hitting. There's so much that I've taken from Evan's life. If he can make me feel so understood and validated, I know he could do the same for countless others.
So, I did it. I sat down and wrote an email to the uber-successful, award-winning, producer/director. I told her who I was. Why Boy Interrupted was so important to me. What ShesSoNewYork.com is all about. And, why I wanted to interview her for the site. I will be damned, SHE WROTE ME BACK! She said she would "definitely" do an interview. I cried on the spot. I was at work, ringing in the order for a table. I call it, The Vibration That Changed My Life.
And now, I'm stuck on dumb, trying to process this all. I started this blog because I wanted to educate myself about depression. Find a way to come to grips with who I have become because of it. In the process, I am not only getting better in terms of my own personal progress, I have an infinite opportunity to help others along on their paths. Because, I believe that Dana Perry does that every time she talks about Evan.
Tamela
Be sure to check out Tami's blog, Baby, Beat Those Blues
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